Commentary: Finding the words to the silent grief of a pregnancy loss

In order to compensate for this loss, many of the people we interviewed chose to have their baby’s name – or symbols associated with the baby – tattooed on their body in order to retain a permanent connection.

When well-meaning friends and family use language that minimises what has been lost (“be grateful you never knew them”) or that tries to refocus attention on positives, such as other children (either current or future), it downplays the physical dimension. And for many people, the lost babies are still very much “alive” on a spiritual level. As one parent commented:

I wanted to bury him with other babies to keep him company

A healthcare professional we spoke to observed that it was important for parents to be allowed to cuddle and wash the stillborn baby. Parents whose baby is stillborn or who experience a pregnancy loss are still parents.

READ: Did I create life or destroy them? A mother’s grief over losing 3 babies

Many of the people we interviewed expressed the need to continue engaging in parenting behaviour years after their loss. Some chose to carry out parenting activity through charity work – with one couple saying this was the only way they felt they could “parent” their lost baby.

DO NOT BE AFRAID TO ASK

So how do we start a conversation with friends and family who have experienced pregnancy loss?

Many people wish to offer support but simply don’t know what to say. Our research indicates that, as a starting point, we shouldn’t be afraid to ask about the baby (and to use the baby’s name if they had one) rather than simply extending sympathy for “their loss”.

Asking questions about a baby, such as the name or about toys that parents may have chosen for them, shows an understanding that for the bereaved, the continued identity of the child is very important.

Many of the people we talked to said they felt they were in a “different world”, with many experiencing time differently as if they were living in a parallel reality. They were aware that time is moving on for everyone else, but not for them. One said:

It’s so hard because you come out of the hospital and the world is still carrying on but your world has stopped.

When talking to a colleague or friend who may feel this way, it is important to be sensitive to their sense of where they are in time. 

Don’t try to rush them through time by saying that they will feel better in a few months or next year. Instead, it may simply be helpful to ask parents how they are doing on a particular day.

When time is working differently for someone who has lost a baby, a day might feel like a lifetime or a week like a second. Avoid questions about whether they are “better now” or “over it”.

Acknowledging that a parent may be experiencing a different reality from your own can also be helpful. Using language that shows empathy for what they are going through rather than creating further distance is likely to be welcomed.

Avoid, for example, language that suggests that you are observing them from the outside, such as “I can’t imagine what you’re going through”. Instead, as The Miscarriage Association suggests in its Simply Say campaign, try just saying:

I am here to listen.

The key to being supportive starts with recognising when someone who has experienced pregnancy loss is grieving, and to say something that acknowledges that loss. Word by word, we can help to break the silence.

Jeanette Littlemore is professor of English language and applied linguistics, Kate Rumbold is senior lecturer in English, and Sarah Turner is research fellow in English and Applied Linguistics, all at the University of Birmingham. A version of this commentary first appeared on The Conversation. Read it here.