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Unpopular opinion: Yusheng just isn’t that yummy, and bak kwa owes me an explanation

Not all Chinese New Year foods are a solid 10/10, and here’s why. (I’ll still eat them anyway, of course.)

Unpopular opinion: Yusheng just isn’t that yummy, and bak kwa owes me an explanation

Do you love all Chinese New Year eats, or are some of them a little (gasp) overrated? (Art: Jasper Loh)

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Most Chinese festivals are closely identified with a food of some kind. There's the mooncake festival, the dumpling festival, the tangyuan festival. Yes, we of Chinese ethnicity love food so much, even our ghosts are hungry.

But there's one festival in the year that isn't chiefly about eating a particular dish to commemorate it. Chinese New Year is the festival that instead, reminds us of what's truly important in our cultural tradition: A generous bank balance! Because there are some things that money can't buy, but food isn't one of them.

Indeed, the Lunar New Year is a festival of largesse. Instead of just one dish, we celebrate with a long list of eats – with specifics varying from region to region – and the holiday season isn’t complete without each and every one of them. Just ask the cashiers at Sheng Siong who can no longer feel their thumbs.

But there are some Chinese New Year foods, I think, that aren’t batting 100. They’re not pulling their weight.

I mean, nian gao – fantastic. Pineapple tarts – worth the calories. Those little spicy shrimp roll snacks – I'd name my firstborn after them. But then along comes a pomelo, and it’s not terrible, but it’s a bit take-it-or-leave-it. Like, there’s no qualitative difference between eating pomelo and spending your time debating whether “Chinese New Year” or “Lunar New Year” is more politically correct.

“How dare you! Pomelo* is my all-time favourite food and our forefathers gave their blood, sweat and tears so we could have it, and it’s unconstitutional to say you don’t like it!” All right, see? I’ve written your comments myself so you don’t have to. It is probably the case that I haven’t had the life-changing versions of these foods that you have. Lucky you. Feel free to send me some.

In the meantime, here are five other festive foods I’m a little, to use a technical term, over – even though I’d throw a fit if they weren’t around, of course. Because what’s Chinese New Year without them?   

*Replace with your favourite Chinese New Year food

1. YUSHENG

Yusheng: Basically a messy salad (Art: Jasper Loh)

Now, I love lohei. But, when it comes to the part where you actually eat the yusheng – let’s just say I don’t think its appeal lies in the dish’s gastronomic merit. Have you ever heard anyone say, at midnight, or at any time at all that is not Chinese New Year, “Wow, I’m really craving some yusheng right now!”? No.  

The appeal of yusheng lies solely in lohei’s performatively transgressive nature. Because we were told as children not to play with our food and not to waste food, the culturally sanctioned opportunity to propel julienned veggies carelessly into the air while shouting auspicious four-character phrases turns grown men into chopstick-wielding playground hooligans.

In general, the goal of lohei is to spill most of it on the disposable plastic tablecloth, because nobody really wants to eat a raw salad as a celebratory dish, and if crunching cucumbers could make you huat, all the gymbros at F45 would be millionaires. If I really wanted syrupy-sweet carrots, I’d eat some halwa, thanks very much.

2. PENCAI

Pencai: One-pot fancy leftovers casserole (Art: Jasper Loh)

Sadly, I don’t have a grandmother who cooks amazing pencai at home, which I suspect is the key to understanding this dish of various auspicious ingredients all boiled up together.

At my house, when impending decomposition necessitates the clearing out of our leftovers, we make what we call “puree of freezer”. Pencai kind of feels like the new-money version of this.

Ancient-times ancestor 1: I’m too tired to supervise the cooking for the banquet we’re throwing. Can we order Grab?

Ancient-times ancestor 2: No, it’s a public holiday and I don’t want to pay the delivery surcharge.

Ancient-times ancestor 1: Then I guess we’ll have the chef’s special, Stew de Chapalang.

Ancient-times ancestor 2: Fine, but make sure you put in abalone, sea cucumber, scallops and fish maw so our guests will know how rich we are.

Ancient-times ancestor 1: So rich that we begrudge paying a delivery surcharge?

Ancient-times ancestor 2: How do you think we got rich in the first place? By spending money like water at Chinese New Year?

Ancient-times ancestor 1: Wait, is it “Chinese New Year” or “Lunar New Year”?

3. BAK KWA

Bak kwa: We just haven't found the right one yet. (Art: Jasper Loh)

There is a bak kwa of my dreams. I just haven’t found it yet. Like a Hinge profile pic, the idea of bak kwa is usually better than the actual experience of eating it.

You think: “Thick slices of juicy pork marinaded in spices and brushed with honey, then slowly grilled for a good char”, and you start salivating. You say yes when someone offers you a slice. Then you take a bite and a feeling of deja vu washes over you. You remember that many versions of bak kwa available on the market just fall flat, either overly sweet or overly tough.

You shed a silent tear into your chrysanthemum tea. You’ve been seduced by bak kwa’s promises too many times before, only to be unlucky in calories. You swear you won’t be taken in again next year. But, of course, you will.

4. LOVE LETTERS

Loveletters: Rub it in, why don't you? (Art: Jasper Loh)

Nothing wrong with love letters. They just drive home the fact that nobody is writing me any.

5. STEAMBOAT

Steamboat: You never know what you're going to get (Art: Jasper Loh)

Steamboat is great; long live steamboat. Everyone loves it, and I do, too. But, there is one thing that’s very frustrating about it. If the aim is to reach peak yumminess, it’s a Sisyphean endeavour. Like one of those mathematical graphs that approach the axis but never touch it. What do you call those? I forget. You know what I mean.

Why? Because every time the flavour approaches optimal conditions and you start really enjoying yourself, someone comes along and dumps more soup stock in, and you have to start the buildup all over again.

Just like how you were making good progress with your fitness goals until Chinese New Year came along, and now you have to start from square one again. Darn those shrimp rolls.

Source: CNA/my
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