Things I would tell my younger self: Actor and theatre producer Adrian Pang

Adrian Pang calls acting “a 40-year-long therapy session”. The actor and artistic director of local theatre company Pangdemonium says he grew up as an “emo kid who grew into an even more emo teen” and now he is “an emo mess as a grownup”.

He recalls being a sensitive child and adolescent, an over-thinker, and turned to acting “just to have the licence to express and process whatever I was not able to in real life”.

At 57 years old, acting has taken a bit of a back seat while Adrian focuses on producing with Pangdemonium, which he started in 2010 with his wife, Tracie.

The father of two sons, Zack and Xander, Adrian has spoken publicly about his struggles with depression, which hit him hard during the COVID-19 pandemic when life – and the arts scene in Singapore – shut down. “The pandemic made me feel ‘robbed’ of my purpose,” he shared.

He has since learned not to let his job define him. Coming out of the pandemic, he decided to concentrate more on his behind-the-scenes role. “I’m in a privileged position to provide a platform for other actors to flex their muscles, so that’s what I am trying to do more and more,” he explained.

At this point in his life, he shares, it’s become increasingly important to him to make sure that the work he does means more. “It has to have some sort of positive impact on people.”

LIFE’S LEARNING MOMENTS

In the last year, Adrian has been actively embracing a mantra of grace, courage, wisdom, gratitude and humour. “The grace to accept things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference; gratitude for the good things in my life; and a sense of humour to have a laugh ’cos it’s all a big cosmic joke.”

He even got a tattoo as a commitment to what he calls his “phoenix rebirth”.

Adrian says he’s someone who learns through experiences and from making his own mistakes. “A gut guy,” he called it.

Advice – especially of the unsolicited nature – will likely earn the advice-giver “an internal eyeroll”, unless it’s someone he deeply respects.

He added: “I think I am rebelliously allergic to advice that people give me, cos I have met too many people who come across as know-it-alls, but who actually talk out of their asses.

“I’d like to believe that I am quite self-aware, and so am able to admit to my own folly and foibles and f***-ups, and try (operative word here being try), to learn from them.”

Adrian says that “right here and right now” is when he’s learning the most about life.

As part of his “rebirth”, he has been learning to manage everyday problems with “much more equanimity and humour”.

He shares something he read recently that made a lot of sense to him: “If you had $86,400 in your account and someone stole $10 from you, would you be upset and throw all of the remaining $86,390 away in hopes of getting back at the person?”

That 86,400 is the number of seconds you have each day, so the lesson here is to not let 10 seconds of something negative ruin the remaining 86,390 seconds of your day.

“Don’t sweat the small stuff, life is bigger than that,” he said.

AN ONGOING JOURNEY

One major life event that changed Adrian was him becoming a dad. “It really was a lightbulb moment when I held Zack in my arms for the first time, like, ‘Ah, now I get it, this is what I’m here for'."

However, after numerous diaper changes and crying fits, that quickly changed to, “This is what I’m here for?!”

He says this as he admits that he wasn’t the nicest to his parents when he was growing up – something that makes him ashamed.

Once in his late teens, he made his dad – whom he called “the most mild-mannered man in the universe” – angrier than Adrian had ever seen him before or since.

To his credit, Adrian did apologise to his parents many years later – very recently, in fact – for being “such a d***”. His parents, though, pretended not to know what Adrian was talking about.

“Ah well, forgiveness and reconciliation come in many forms,” he mused.

Adrian has also come to accept that depression will always be something he lives with – “to a greater or lesser extent, depending on the circumstances I happen to be in” – and is something that he manages with therapy.

“I have a wonderful therapist who has helped me a great deal to process a lifetime of shit,” he said, adding that unconditional love and support from his family is also paramount.

He said: “I acknowledge that I have an innate inclination towards the ‘darker side’, which is not necessarily depression as such, but it does make me more prone to situational depression – responding to circumstances in a negative way that has certain classic symptoms of clinical depression.”

When asked when was the last time he felt joyful, Adrian says the closest he comes to joy is “a fleeting feeling of peace of mind”. A good wine helps too, he jokes.

Observing Zack and Xander growing up and becoming individuals has also helped him realise that there’s nothing life can throw at him that he can’t handle.

Or perhaps, it’s being conscious of his own mortality. “I am very aware that I am very, very lucky to have what I have, and that no matter how great my own troubles may be, there are many others who have it much, much tougher.”

Adrian Pang is working on Pangdemonium’s 2024 season, which comprises three shows he loves: Falling, which they staged in 2016 and has been repeatedly requested for a revival; Who’s Afraid Of Virginia Woolf and Adrian’s favourite musical of all time, Dear Evan Hansen.