Extramarital affairs: Why they happen, how couples can save their marriage, dealing with children

Infidelity has become a talking point among Singaporeans of late, with the admission of extramarital affairs leading to the resignation of no less than four politicians - Tan Chuan-Jin, Cheng Li Hui, Leon Perera and Nicole Seah - days apart.

When someone cheats, how does a married couple cope with and come back from it? What about the children? Why do people succumb to it, in the first place?

CNA Lifestyle talked to counsellors and doctors, who shed light on the issue and what could be done in the aftermath.

WHY DO MARRIED PEOPLE CHEAT?

For some, it could be the emotional distance from a spouse that leaves them feeling “unvalidated or unappreciated” at home, said Dr Lim Boon Leng, a psychiatrist from Gleneagles Hospital, who has treated patients for affair-related depression and anxiety disorders. So, when a colleague shows understanding and empathy for their emotional needs, that’s when the initial attraction may begin, he said.

IS IT COMMON? WHO'S LIKELY TO STRAY?

Being involved in an extramarital affair is not as uncommon as one thinks. Clinical psychologist Dr Lidia Suarez sees about 15 individuals or couples a month – but the number also includes those who are experiencing distress from relationship issues and aren’t necessarily involved in extramarital affairs. “Several of the female clients we consult with are involved in emotional affairs. By contrast, male clients tend to report sexual affairs instead,” she said.

Dr Lim, who treats more women and middle-aged working adults in his clinic, emphasised that “the demographics indicate that women are more open to the idea of seeking help, while men may not do so, possibly due to feelings of embarrassment”.

The Singapore Counselling Centre (SCC) also receives “cases from time to time every month” but doesn’t wish to disclose the number. “While we observe some trends in the demographics, we should be careful not to assume that this demographic is more likely to have affairs,” said SCC’s chief wellbeing officer John Shepherd Lim. “It may boil down to them having the resources and access to counselling.”

According to psychiatrist Dr Scott Haltzman, who wrote The Secrets Of Surviving Infidelity, about 25 per cent of men and 15 per cent of women may have had an affair at some point in their lives. This number may even be higher in today’s context, considering how we define an affair these days. In case you’re wondering, texting into the late hours of the night with a “just friend” qualifies as emotional infidelity.

“People are having intense emotional relationships with people they've never even met, or sexual relationships over the internet with people they haven't met,” said Dr Haltzman on a podcast with the US nonprofit National Public Radio.

SOMEONE CHEATED – WHAT SHOULD YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE DO NEXT?

Whether it’s cheating on a physical or emotional level, the fallout from an affair is devastating to both parties. In fact, the trauma has been acknowledged by some experts as similar to the post-traumatic stress disorder or PTSD felt by first responders. In Professor Dennis Ortman’s book Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder: The Six Stages Of Healing, he described the mental and emotional shock as post-infidelity stress disorder or PISD.

If you have been cheated on, how do you process the betrayal and trauma? And how do you work through the affair with your spouse if you have children? Before delving into the hard questions for each other, ask yourself: Is there still love? “Love is fundamental for the couplehood to continue,” said Dr Lim.

“While the passion may not be the same as it was on Day One, both partners should still harbour feelings of concern, care and desire for each other. Without love, the relationship can become empty and difficult to bear,” he said.

To help you make your decision, SCC’s Lim suggested asking each other questions in a few main areas. Dr Suarez also highlighted that “there is no specific or universal answer” as every couple's circumstances are unique. But “they must collaborate to address the questions honestly”.

1. Questions about the past

• What led to the infidelity?
• Was this a one-time mistake or an ongoing affair?
• What were the unmet needs that resulted in this infidelity?

These would help spouses understand the root cause and extent of the infidelity, said Lim. “Besides the responses, observe if the unfaithful partner can honestly explain what led to the infidelity without blaming the other party or external circumstances. This would be demonstrated with the use of ‘I’ rather than ‘You’ statements.”

2. Questions about the present

• Are you committed to working this through?
• Are we committed and determined to work through this?

These would help gauge where each party is in terms of their willingness to stay together.

3. Questions about the future

• How can we handle triggers and insecurities that arise in the future?
• What are our long-term goals for this relationship?
• How open are we to meeting a therapist for support?

How does each party wish to move forward? “The responses would also be a reflection of how much effort each party wishes to put in to repair the relationship,” said Lim.

ARE THERE RIGHT OR WRONG DECISIONS?

There is no “right” or “wrong” decision as “it largely depends on each couple’s motivation and mindset towards repairing the relationship”, said Lim. Based on various online sources, he said that about a third of couples are likely to end their marriage.

Dr Lim noted that many of his patients “told me they were surprised that they chose to stay in the relationship”. “Prior to the affair, they were sure they would never compromise if faced with infidelity.” The reason, he said, could be that the pain of separating may be far worse than the infidelity itself.

“In an unconscious way, spouses are deeply attached and separation can be severely anxiety provoking, making it a painful process to bear. As a result, many may choose to stay together to avoid this pain.”

One deciding question you can ask yourself is this: Can you plan for the future together and envision growing old together? “Not being able to do so is a sign that you are not committed to the relationship anymore,” said Dr Lim.

HOW DO YOU START THE HEALING PROCESS IF YOU DECIDE TO STAY TOGETHER?

A good start is to get couples therapy. “While it can be a painful process, full disclosure from the partner who had the affair is necessary to rebuild trust and this is best achieved under the guidance of a therapist,” said Dr Lim.

Having an expert’s touch can also help you to work through past or existing issues, and help you “discover internal resources and strengths that could strengthen and enrich the relationship”, said Lim. “For couples with children, they can explore family counselling with their children to understand one another’s perspective in a safe space.”

Individual therapy may also be necessary if you or your partner is dealing with difficulties such as depression, trauma or addiction, said Dr Suarez.

During counselling, discuss ways to address obstacles to the healing process, which may include your heightened suspicions about your spouse’s activities and whereabouts, or the tendency to use the infidelity against them when they fall short, said Lim.

Obsessively hounding your partner over every detail of the affair is also detrimental to the healing process, said Dr Lim, as is staying in the relationship to seek revenge or punish the unfaithful spouse. Remember: Your marriage is not a K-drama.  

As for the unfaithful party, they should avoid pressuring their partner to forgive them quickly, said Dr Lim, and instead, give them the necessary time to heal, which can vary from person to person.

WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?

If you have children and you decide to hang on for their sake, Lim stressed that it is “important for both parties to be aligned on how to move the relationship forward”.

He cited cases where, although both parents remain together, the arrangement strained the spousal and parent-child relationships instead. For instance, the children may be “caught in the crossfire between the parents when there are expressions of unresolved anger, disappointment and betrayal”.

It is crucial not to dismiss the children on the assumption that they may not be able to understand “adult problems”, said Lim. “Children are much more perceptive than we may realise, and it is important for the parents to support their children through this process.”

While preschoolers are too young to understand what an extramarital affair is, it helps to reassure them that “despite any problems between mum and dad, their love remains unchanged”, said Dr Suarez. And they “must be told that they are not responsible for their parents' problems as they might sometimes mistakenly believe they are the cause”.

Dr Suarez said that creating a safe space for children to express their thoughts and feelings without judgment is crucial. “Parents should be prepared to address their children's questions honestly and openly to reduce their anxiety about the future.”

It is also essential that parents speak about the other parent respectfully and reassure their children that their love for them remains unchanged, she said.

As for those in primary or secondary school, they may have difficulty making sense of their complex emotions. And to make matters worse, they may not be able to articulate what they are experiencing with their peers, said Lim. “They may inadvertently bottle these unprocessed negative emotions and carry them into adulthood, which can form unconstructive thoughts and beliefs.” 

For the older children, the negative effects of an unfaithful parent go deeper. “They may experience feelings of embarrassment, anger and resentment from the loss of affection between parents, or even the loss of respect for the cheating parent,” said Lim.

“Not only that, a cheating parent’s actions can impair a child’s ability to form healthy relationships in the future due to their skewed understanding of trust and loyalty having learnt from home,” said Lim.

“It is important for the parents, while in the midst of repairing their relationship, to check in with their children and provide them a safe place to communicate their emotions and needs using terms that the child can understand.”

WHAT ARE THE SIGNS THAT THINGS MAY NOT WORK OUT AFTER ALL?

There are four negative patterns that can predict divorce, said Dr Suarez, who cited the work of John Gottman, a psychologist specialising in the study of relationships. They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling – otherwise known as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

“Among these patterns, contempt has been found to be the most potent predictor of divorce,” said Dr Suarez. “Contempt involves displaying a sense of moral superiority over one's partner and attempting to make them feel worthless or despised.”

And the derision can be in verbal and physical form such as jibing your spouse with sarcastic barbs, being disrespectful towards them or using negative body language such as eye rolling and contemptuous side eyes.

Read this story in Bahasa Indonesia here.