Go ahead and cry – it’s actually good for your mental health

I envy babies. They can cry their eyes out at any time they want and not get judged for it. Quite the opposite, they get fed, changed, soothed… things that would make my day a whole lot better sometimes. 

But no, as adults, we’ve got to suck it up and tough it out. Corporate culture demands that there is no place at work for tears, save maybe the bathroom. And even so, you’d better pray that the stall next to you is empty because you don’t want your moment of vulnerability to become a colleague’s “I hate people who cry at work” meme. 

Yes, the world outside the bathroom, shower, bed or anywhere where you choose to weep can be harsh when you just want a good cry by yourself. 

WHY DO WE CRY?

We all have our reasons for turning on the waterworks. Be it the departure of a dear one, work conflict, or just coming across something touching on social media, “crying is a uniquely human experience”, said Dr Alla Demutska, the clinical director of psychotherapy and counselling at The School of Positive Psychology. 

“While animals produce tears for eye protection, only humans cry emotionally. The philosopher Hippocrates theorised tears were ‘vapours from the heart as it boiled with emotion’,” she said.

As babies, we bawled to signal our fundamental needs – hunger, discomfort and danger. But as we develop empathy and problem-solving skills, and navigate life’s significant chapters, including weddings, births, reunions and losses, “crying shifts to more silent tears expressing complex emotional depth”, said Dr Demutska. 

Like a pressure cooker, crying can function as a pressure valve to release “repressed feelings such as sadness, frustration or even happiness”, said Serene Lee, a psychotherapist and founder of counselling centre ICCT.sg. 

Physically, crying lets you shed stress hormones such as cortisol and prolactin through your tears, she said. “After crying, the body relaxes – heart rate slows and breathing deepens – and that is why we often feel lighter or more peaceful.”

But why do you cry when you’re happy? That happens when your emotional system is overwhelmed by positive intensity. “The emotional pathways in the brain can overlap for both sadness and happiness, so crying becomes an outlet for strong emotions,” said Lee. 

“We shed tears when we are happy because our emotions are ‘too full’ to contain. Crying helps our body release that flood of emotion, even if it is positive. It also serves as a way of expressing gratitude, relief or deep connection.”

HOW MUCH DO WE CRY? WHY DO WE FEEL GUILTY OR ASHAMED ABOUT IT?

By the time a baby turns six weeks old, he would have cried an average of about 2.25 hours per day, according to a meta-analysis of studies involving almost 8,700 infants worldwide. By 12 weeks, the crying would have shortened to 68 minutes a day on average. And that’s for starters.

As we grow into adulthood, women cry a lot more than men – 30 to 64 times yearly (comparatively, men cry five to 17 times yearly). But that is not because of the biological differences such as hormones (higher levels of emotional crying-inducing prolactin in women versus more tear-inhibiting testosterone in men). Rather, the difference in frequency reflects expressiveness norms, said Dr Demutska, citing a study that looked at more than 7,000 individuals from 37 countries. 

The guilt or shame around crying often comes from social conditioning and gender norms, said Lee. “Women, especially in professional environments, may worry about being perceived as ‘too emotional’ or ‘unprofessional’, so they internalise the belief that crying should be hidden.”

Many men, she added, are also taught that crying equals weakness. “They suppress emotions to uphold a sense of control or masculinity. Crying is actually a natural human response, and it is not a sign of weakness.”

Even with those workplace social norms, “women cry more frequently, for more reasons, and in more contexts than men in all the countries where relevant data has been collected”, said Dr Demutska. “Yet, workplace cultures treat crying as ‘unprofessional’, which disproportionately penalises women for normal emotional responses.”

IS IT IMPORTANT TO CRY?

“Yes, crying is important,” said Lee. “Crying is like clearing out your emotional closet. If you keep everything inside, it piles up and feels heavy. Letting yourself cry once in a while helps you to feel balanced and human. After a stressful week, someone might cry while watching a touching movie and afterward feel strangely 'reset', ready to face another day.”

Pass the tissue because constantly holding back your tears can result in emotional numbness, irritability, or even physical symptoms such as headaches, fatigue, or muscle tension, said Lee. “Allowing ourselves to cry signifies self-acceptance and emotional honesty.”

On the other hand, Dr Demutska believes that crying is but one of the tools in your emotional regulation kit. “I don't believe that everyone must cry to be healthy. Some people process emotions effectively through other means – physical activity, creative expression, verbal processing, or cognitive strategies.”

What matters, she clarified, is that you’re aware of the emotions you feel, you don’t judge them as wrong, and you are able to modulate your emotions’ intensity when needed. “If crying serves those functions for you, it's valuable. If other strategies serve these functions, crying isn't mandatory.”

WHEN IS CRYING UNHEALTHY?

Other than crying, Dr Demutska feels that there should also be other ways of managing stress; otherwise, it indicates a limited coping repertoire. 

Crying is also unhealthy, she said, if its frequency or intensity interrupts your daily functions, affects relationships and/or is accompanied by thoughts of self-harm. “Crying without knowing why, repeatedly, may suggest difficulties with understanding emotions or dissociative processes.”

Persistently feeling teary is another sign that you need professional help. Crying without any sense of resolution may indicate depression, prolonged grief disorder, or trauma responses, said Dr Demutska. “Tearfulness is listed in one of the criteria in the diagnosis for major depressive disorder, a mood disorder.”

Lee agreed. A person who cries every night and feels numb or hopeless afterward, instead of relieved, may be experiencing depression rather than healthy emotional release, she said.

Never having cried at all, even in the face of distressing news or situation, is worrying as well as it may indicate emotional numbing or avoidance, said Dr Demutska. “The frequency of crying matters less than the context and consequences. Someone who cries daily while processing grief may be healthier than someone who hasn't cried in years, despite accumulating losses.”

DOES IT MATTER WHERE, WHEN AND HOW WE CRY?

You shouldn’t feel that you need to plan where and when to cry, said Lee. “We should allow our tears to come naturally when feelings arise. What is important is permission, not frequency. Some people benefit from reflective moments – journalling, listening to emotional music, or therapy – that allow tears to surface safely when needed.”

Many people feel safe to cry in the shower or in bed at home where there’s privacy. But “anywhere in nature would be a suitable environment because we have a symbiotic relationship with it”, said psychotherapist and clinical hypnotherapist Stephen Lew Chien Hau from The School of Positive Psychology.

“Nature reminds us of our existence, and that we are part of the bigger universe. Nature is a neurobioregulator, helping us ground and heal,” he said. 

Crying is a cathartic act that allows us to “heal, reset, and release stored emotions”, Lew explained. “For this process to be effective, psychological safety is essential. We need an environment where the body feels safe enough to let go, rather than one where it is simultaneously expending energy on survival or performance.”

Crowded spots such as East Coast Park and Bukit Timah Nature Reserve, especially on weekends, aren’t great choices. But Bedok Reservoir in the evening (just don’t stay too late into the night for your personal safety), and Coney Island and Changi Beach on a weekday are tranquil and scenic. 

If you prefer a more secure environment, book a private, sound-proof karaoke room and cry-sing your blues away; you don’t have to be in tune. Or if you want some pampering along with your crying, check into a staycay, order room service and soak in a bubble bath. 

A personal favourite that is totally free: Go on a long bus ride (Bus 36 to Jewel is perfect) with sunglasses and a mask to hide your red eyes and soak up your tears. Don't forget tissue, okay?