I’m a breastfeeding mother. Stop judging me on how much breast milk I’m producing and how I breastfeed my baby
Breastfeeding mothers often face judgement over what they eat, drink or do, as well as the quality and quantity of their breast milk. In this CNA Women series on breastfeeding, Yvon Bock, founder of breastfeeding products company Hegen and certified lactation consultant, shares how mothers can manage well-meaning comments gently but firmly.
When it comes to breastfeeding, it can often be a case of damned if you do and damned if you don’t. No breastfeeding mother can ever get it ‘right’, it seems, and everyone is an expert when it comes to your breastfeeding, your breast milk supply (and sometimes, your breasts).
“Are you sure you’re feeding your baby enough breast milk?” “Is the quality good enough?” “Why are you not breastfeeding for a longer time?” “You shouldn’t take any medicine when you’re breastfeeding.”
These comments about your breastfeeding can come from all quarters: Doubtful friends and relatives, smug successful breastfeeders, and even your doctor.
Yvon Bock, the founder and CEO of Hegen, has heard them all. The 44-year-old mother breastfed her four kids – Russell, 19, Brandon, 17, Lucas, 15, and Kimberly, 13 – for a total of 10 years. Her Singapore breastfeeding products company has created award-winning bottles and teats for expressed milk, and Bock herself is an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC) who started the Hegen Lactation Centre (HLC).
HLC offers lactation consultation, classes on childbirth education, newborn care and breastfeeding when back at work; and baby massage services.
Even so, this breastfeeding advocate said she was not immune to the occasional comment during her breastfeeding years.
BATTLING MISUNDERSTANDINGS AT WORK
Bock used to work in sales and marketing in a corporate finance company. After she returned from maternity leave, she needed to express her breast milk every three hours in the office.
Noticing that she was often missing from her desk, her director asked her about it. Luckily, he was understanding and even suggested a solution: A “Pumping in progress” desk tent card to inform colleagues of her absence.
Her colleagues, too, were supportive. “Their kindness made a significant impact, encouraging me to continue breastfeeding,” said Bock, who counted such “vital community support”, along with facilities like a nursing room, fridge and sink in her office, as reasons behind her success.
Her positive experience back then led her to champion an initiative at HLC called the Breastfeeding Ally, which urges businesses to support breastfeeding working mothers. HLC works with these companies to develop educational content, address their questions regarding policy-making, as well as how to furnish a suitable breastfeeding space.
While tangible facilities and lactation advice help with the physical part of breastfeeding, how can a breastfeeding mum handle unsolicited comments that can chip away at their confidence? With facts, empathy, grace, and even a little humour, said Bock.
“ARE YOU SURE YOU’RE FEEDING YOUR BABY ENOUGH MILK?”
You can’t count ounces if you’re latching your baby directly, leading friends and relatives to ask just how much breast milk your child is getting.
“Quote them facts and thank them for asking,” is Bock’s advice.
“It is especially important for breastfeeding couples to walk into their new parenthood equipped with scientifically-backed information, support each other, and remain true to their breastfeeding goals despite societal pressures or misconceptions.”
In the early days, a fully breastfed newborn who’s drinking enough milk should pass out one pee and one poo on Day 1; and two pees and two poos on Day 2.
It also helps to know your baby’s hunger cues. A fully satiated baby will not exhibit signs of puckering, smacking or licking lips, head turning to look for the breast, and/or putting hands to their mouths, said Bock.
Other indicators include weight gain, which your paediatrician or a lactation consultant can determine.
Like many first-time breastfeeding mums, Bock faced criticism from older relatives as they held misconceptions about the nutritional value of breast milk. They believed she was depriving her children by not opting for formula milk.
“Their perspective was shaped by a time when formula feeding was the norm, leading to the misconception that breastfeeding was associated with less educated or poorer families," she explained.
Whether you breastfed for a week, a month, a year or more, you are a breastfeeding mother and you are enough.
Bock felt discouraged but understood that their concerns came from good intentions and their limited exposure to breastfeeding. Backed by what she had learnt from antenatal classes, which she strongly encourages new parents to attend, she was determined to breastfeed exclusively for the first six months.
She found an ally in her maternal grandmother, who had breastfed all her 10 children. “She emphasised the importance of ignoring naysayers and focusing on providing the best for my children,” said Bock.
“DON'T TAKE MEDICINE WHEN YOU’RE BREASTFEEDING. IT’S NOT FAIR THAT YOU’RE FEEDING YOUR BABY DRUG-TAINTED MILK!”
A doctor, who had not kept up with breastfeeding research, said that to a breastfeeding friend once. She felt so guilt-tripped that she avoided taking even ‘safe’ meds.
Bock highlighted that most over-the-counter medicines are compatible with breastfeeding. However, always check with your paediatrician or pharmacist to find out if there are any short or long-term effects of the medication on your baby.
To be extra sure, Bock advised that you monitor your baby closely for any unusual behaviour, as the effects of the medication may be stronger and more obvious in younger children. For example, your baby may show signs of diarrhoea, vomiting, rashes, lethargy or not be as active as usual.
Also monitor your milk supply as some medication may cause your supply to dip.
“Do not self-medicate. Always inform your doctor that you require medication that is safe for breastfeeding,” advised Bock.
“YOU SHOULD/SHOULDN’T EAT OR DRINK THIS. YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT DIFFERENTLY. THAT’S WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ENOUGH MILK!”
Successful breastfeeders and experienced mums may sometimes overwhelm new mums with their (smug) advice.
One script that Bock uses to fend off these naysayers is simply to say: “Thank you so much for sharing, I’ll consider what you said.” Then, she cheekily added, “Use the art of diversion. ‘Hey, you’re looking amazing, did you lose some weight? What have you been up to?”
She advised taking comments from such “experts” with a pinch of salt. “Sometimes these ‘smug breastfeeders’ just want to be seen and heard, or feel better about themselves. Praise them and almost immediately, their tone will change.”
Try: “Wish I could be like you too, to be an over-supply mum.” Or, “You are the envy of all breastfeeding mothers, well done, you!”
At the end of the day, you know your own body and baby best, so follow your own best practices. But if you are having challenges with your milk supply, seek help early from a lactation consultant.
“YOU’RE ONLY BREASTFEEDING FOR ONE MONTH / SIX MONTHS / ONE YEAR? BREASTFEEDING IS GOOD FOR THE BABY, YOU SHOULD PERSEVERE!”
Breast milk production is affected by a mother’s mental state, so ignore the militant breastfeeders who load on unnecessary stress and guilt.
“Only when a mother is well-rested, calm, and in an environment of serenity, will she be able to express well,” said Bock. “I believe in prioritising the mother’s needs and preferences, and extending support for as long as she wants to breastfeed.”
If you’re feeding your baby breast milk whether through direct latching or via a bottle, you absolutely are breastfeeding.
It helps when your husband has your back. “Once you and your partner have set a breastfeeding goal and are aligned, support each other through it,” she said.
Every time Bock was at the brink of giving up, her husband Leon encouraged her to just go “one more day” – that one more day accumulated to many years.
Remember, every mother has different circumstances, be it biologically, mentally or financially. No mother should feel less about themselves for not doing the same as other mums.
“YOU FEED YOUR BABY WITH A BOTTLE? MOTHERS WHO PUMP AND BOTTLE-FEED ARE NOT ‘REAL’ BREASTFEEDING MUMS.”
If you’re feeding your baby breast milk whether through direct latching or via a bottle, you absolutely are breastfeeding. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
“I remember these negative comments about how mums who choose to be an exclusively pumping mum, or who prefer to mix-feed via latching and bottle feeding, are not ‘real’ breastfeeding mums,” recalled Bock.
Sometimes, circumstances such as a mum’s lifestyle and working schedule, preferences, and even her baby’s birth weight, might prevent the baby from being able to latch directly.
Bock’s third child Lucas, for example, was born premature. His mouth was too small and his jaw and muscles not developed enough to latch to the breast and suckle.
After multiple unsuccessful tries to get Lucas to latch, Bock decided that as long as he was able to consume her breast milk, even via a bottle, she was happy.
“HOW CAN YOU LEAVE YOUR BABY BEHIND AND TRAVEL SO MUCH FOR WORK? BABY WON’T RECOGNISE YOU AS HIS/HER MOTHER!”
“Before becoming a mother, I was acing it in the corporate world. This didn’t change after I became a mother – I still had career goals and aspirations that I wanted to fulfil,” said Bock.
As her family grew, so too, did her career. She had joined her family’s business by then and travelled a lot for work. She worked hard at building up her stash of breast milk so that others in the household could feed her kids while she was away, and they could still receive nutrients from her breast milk.
“When available, I would still latch my children. Your children know and recognise you as their parent in more ways than just breastfeeding,” said Bock.
As a full-time working mother who was also dedicated to breastfeeding, Bock often grappled with overwhelming mum guilt – as with many women. To manage that, surround yourself with supportive people, including your husband, family and domestic helper.
“Through my experience, I’ve learned to advise mothers wrestling with similar guilt to be exceptionally kind to themselves.
“It’s crucial to understand that your worth as a parent isn’t measured in millilitres of milk; your love and presence are immeasurable and invaluable.
“Whether you breastfed for a week, a month, a year or more, you are a breastfeeding mother and you are enough.”
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