She’s there to listen to the problems of underprivileged, vulnerable women who have no one to talk to

A short WhatsApp message was what started a long and unexpected friendship between two women during the COVID-19 pandemic. “Hi, how are you doing?”, was all it said.

The sender of the text: Lam Li Min, a 52-year-old former accountant turned full-time mum. Lam comes from a comfortable financial background and has two grown-up children – a lawyer and an undergraduate studying in the United Kingdom.

The recipient: A middle-aged low-income single mother struggling with financial, health and mental health problems.

These two women might not have crossed paths had they not been paired up via a Daughters Of Tomorrow (DOT) Befriender programme.

During the surreal months of the pandemic, they continued to chat over WhatsApp. As soon as COVID-19 restrictions were lifted, they arranged to meet at a kopitiam, where the single mum bought Lam a coffee. Over the next two years, a genuine friendship developed between the women.

A FRIEND IN NEED

For context, DOT is a Singapore charity that helps women from low-income families who are surviving on S$200 to less than S$650 per person each month. Some are single mothers, some come from dysfunctional families, some suffer from chronic health problems, and many reside in government-subsidised rental flats. Lam volunteers with DOT.

“I have been doing volunteer work overseas for many years, but during COVID-19, I realised that there is a lot of help needed in our little country too. A small group of people have fallen behind and need help,” she told CNA Women.

DOT’s main work is to help underprivileged women break the cycle of poverty through gainful employment via job readiness, upskilling and job-bridging programmes, as well as by providing them with support.

One of its programmes is an eight-week workshop to boost women’s confidence. Befrienders like Lam are usually roped in during this course to support beneficiaries through their journey. Many befrienders remain in contact with their beneficiaries after they have completed the course or even if they drop out of it.

This is essential because for this marginalised group, having someone to confide in can be a big ask, and professional therapy is completely priced out of reach. The emotional support that these befrienders provide is an important lifeline for these women.

Beneficiaries share with Lam their day-to-day struggles, financial problems, relationship issues, family violence and even any thoughts of suicide.

“It is good for them to share their thoughts and feelings because it helps them to clear their mind, makes them feel better, and can even help them think of new solutions.

“If there is no one for them to talk to, these thoughts and feelings will be bottled up, and I’m worried they will explode in a disastrous way one day.

“If they think of something dangerous, befrienders can persuade them not to go down that path. Also, because of the situation some of these women are in, they may also be involved in family violence and fights, so it is good for them to inform someone who may be able to help them,” she said. 

WOMEN HELPING OTHER WOMEN

Though the befrienders are not counsellors, they undergo a screening process and two days of befriender and empathy training workshops. Two other key criteria: Volunteers must be women and aged above 30, so that they can better relate to the beneficiaries they are journeying with.

“As a woman, it is easier for me to understand other women, and to talk to them,” said Lam. “Another connection that I have (with my beneficiaries) is that we are all mothers. Whatever we do, we want the best for our children. In that way, I understand why (my beneficiaries) make the decisions they do.”

This commonality has helped Lam break out of the beneficiary-befriender dynamic. “I think of these women as friends,” she said.

Lam generally sends a WhatsApp message to beneficiaries once a month to check on them. But beneficiaries will often call her over WhatsApp, as and when they need help, and sometimes the conversation can last for hours.

Though Lam is able to relate to the women through their shared experiences as women and mothers, she often feels saddened by the hardships they have endured.

“For us, sometimes we can say, I’m feeling low, maybe I’ll get a cup of tea at Starbucks. But to them, even the bus ride to go out is a financial drain,” she said. “But I really admire their resilience. They are so strong. If I were in their shoes, I don’t think I could go through the things that they go through.”

“When I hear their stories … police cases, family violence, money issues, health issues, losing a job because they had to stay at home with their sick child – I sometimes feel very demoralised.

“I wish that just like in a TV script, there would be a happy ending for them. On my part, the only thing I can provide is emotional support and help them to seek help from DOT where possible. I also always try to keep an open mind and have more empathy,” she said.

Though it is a volunteering role, Lam is all in. Last year, she enrolled in a graduate diploma in clinical and counselling psychology by Arium School of Arts and Sciences, to learn how to better communicate with vulnerable women and support them. She recently completed the course.

“Knowing that I have been a comfort to someone who needs help gives me a feeling of empowerment,” she said.

Lam added that she chose to help women because of the impact they have on their community.

“Most women are not just living for themselves. Many of them have children. Once you are able to help the mother, the mother will be able to give more attention to the children and bring them out of whatever bad situation they are in. So you are paving the way for a better future.

“Many women also take care of their parents, older relatives and even their husband. So when you help women, you help the community,” she said.