The dating guru to my girlfriends: I help them find love on dating apps, from editing profiles to 'secondhand swiping'

Ah, the world of dating apps, from Hinge to Bumble, Muzz, Coffee Meets Bagel and more. These dating apps offer a realm of possibilities. And, for anyone at any age, it’s a shot at finding love. 

As someone who was already happily ensconced in a committed relationship way before dating apps were a thing, I missed the boat when it came to more modern iterations of dating. 

But that doesn’t mean I have no idea how dating apps work, or that I’m unaware of how, as exciting as they are, dating apps can be intimidating and stressful. 

The whirlwind of emotions and uncertainty that come with online dating is why my single girlfriends looking for love don’t want to go through it alone – and why they ask for my help.

I derive much joy in being part of my friends’ dating journeys. I’m more than happy to help them look for love, happiness, or just plain fun on their dating journeys. 

I help them by polishing up their online dating profiles, engaging in “secondhand swipes” (where I swipe left or right on my girls’ behalf), weeding out the duds and spotting the red flags in the initial exchanges. 

HAPPY TO BE IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

As their close friend, I know I’m not the main character in my friends’ love lives. Instead, I see myself as a supporting figure. The wingman – or wingwoman – who roots for her friends in their search for a healthy, loving relationship. 

Think of me as a sounding board or a consultant – I’m the person they go to for a second opinion or just to talk about what they’re going through. 

Here’s what I do to help my friends find love – and fun – in the world of online dating. 

1. BEING INVOLVED IN THE SWIPING AND CREATING THEIR PROFILES 

When I was a 22-year-old on a university exchange programme in the United Kingdom, a friend shared that she wanted to start dating using MuzMatch (now called Muzz), a Muslim marriage and dating app.

She was single and not looking for anything particularly serious. It was also her first go at online dating, and she asked if I would be her sidekick on her journey. This meant helping her create her profile and being with her at the “swipe” stage. I knew how nervous and excited she was, so I said yes. 

I helped her choose the photos for her profile and even suggested what she could include in her bio that would allow her personality and preferences to shine through. She only had two musts: We had to mention the K-pop band BTS somewhere, and her love for internet memes had to be clear. 

We would Skype each other (see, this was before Zoom was ever a thing) and I’d say “left” or “right” as she went through the profiles of different men. 

This is called “secondhand swiping”, where I decide who my friends might match with based on what I know about their preferences, and how well I know them.

She ended up meeting three guys, none of whom went beyond a simple dinner or walk in a park. The experience itself was fun and revealing for both of us, and it brought us closer as friends. 

2. FIGURING OUT WHAT MY GIRLFRIENDS WANT AND WEEDING OUT THE RED FLAGS

We all have preferences and quirks. What matters in a relationship is knowing which of your potential partner’s idiosyncrasies you can live with – and not.  

I help my friends think about just that: What they’re okay with and what they’re not okay with in a relationship – and what their deal breakers may be.

I also ask them questions to help them figure out if there are any warning signs or red flags they should be aware of when interacting with a guy, both online and in person. 

This may include getting them to think about what the men are like when they talk about past relationships, and how they talk about their friends and family, especially the women in their lives. 

Most of the time, the answers to such questions reveal a lot about a person, and it’s up to my friends to decide if they’re comfortable with those revelations. 

One friend told me that a guy she met on the dating app Coffee Meets Bagel had asked her out to an event. But she was uncomfortable when he asked her to pay for her share of the tickets, especially as he only told her after he’d paid for them and had not revealed the costs initially.  

I asked her: What exactly made you uncomfortable? Was it the lack of transparency or the fact that he didn’t pay for you? And how would you react if he behaved the same way in other situations, like going out to dinner or sharing a cab home?

Another friend, who was on the dating app Hinge, was into a guy who had revealed early on that he was divorced with kids. 

She was torn because it was such a sensitive matter and she didn’t know how to react, but we went through some questions. Is this truly a deal breaker? What’s his relationship with his ex-wife and kids? What would things look like for you and his family if you entered a long-term relationship with him?

Eventually, neither of my girlfriends progressed further with these men. Even so, they told me they had become clearer about their boundaries, which made them more confident when they met other men.

3. COMING UP WITH CONVERSATION TOPICS TOGETHER 

Friends who struggle to keep a conversation going on a dating app needn’t look very far for help. I can talk to anyone at length (which may or may not be a bad thing) so I have decided to use this “power” for good: My friends and I have come up with a bank of conversation topics together. 

One of my friends who had never been in a relationship before gave online dating a try when she turned 30. 

She wanted topics to make the dates more interesting. None of the typical “boring” conversation starters like what they did for work or how many siblings they had. She wanted someone who’d match her sense of humour and understand her fascination with many things, so the starters had to demand attention. 

From thoughts on pets to school experiences, from parenting styles to why she is so obsessed with the American TV shows Breaking Bad and Friends – we armed her with a slew of topics that would keep any conversation going. 

She met a guy she liked on Muzz – and they are now engaged to be married by the end of the year. 

I WANT TO BE THERE FOR MY FRIENDS 

Helping my friends find fun and romance on dating apps is really just a means to be there for them, no matter what stage they’re in, in life and love. 

A friend recently broke up with her long-term partner. They were engaged and had applied for a Built-To-Order flat together, so the breakup was really hard on her. After a year of healing, she was ready to try dating again on platforms like Muzz and Bumble. 

I’m there to listen to her rants about the guys she meets – and be the cool head above the water in case she gets too nervous or excited. 

No advice is given unless she asks or it’s a really serious issue, such as when she wanted to go on a late-night date with a man whose profile picture looked like it was an AI-generated photo of Singapore-Malaysian actor Aaron Aziz. Talk about “sus”. 

Some of my friends did end up in long-term relationships with their partners. Others swore off dating apps after going on just one date and are now trying out different ways of finding love. 

Whatever the outcomes, the dating journey mattered to them. Whether it led them to love or otherwise, it brought my friends and me closer together, while revealing a lot about ourselves and our love preferences – even if one of us is already in a committed relationship.