Married but lonely: Is this normal and why do some women feel this way?

You might assume that being married means you never feel lonely. But it’s possible to be in a committed relationship and still feel isolated in the relationship.

Perhaps you and husband have settled into a routine that subconsciously creates distance between you. He may like to wind down from the day by scrolling through his social media feed, while you may like to do yoga before falling asleep.

If you have kids, you may each have “carved out” your own areas of specialisation or responsibility. For example, you may take care coaching the kids with their schoolwork while he takes care of putting the kids to bed.

In these scenarios, there’s little need to communicate with each other. The family’s needs too, can leave you both exhausted.

Over time, and with added factors such as busy schedules and pressure from work, a woman’s feelings of isolation can grow.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE ALONE TO FEEL LONELY

Theresa Pong, founder and counselling director of The Relationship Room, said that feeling lonely is “an emotional state filled with a strong sense of isolation or disconnection from others, even when physically surrounded by people”.

It is often accompanied by feelings of emptiness and a yearning for meaningful connections with others. “Feeling lonely speaks to a deeper emotional isolation, where one may be physically present with their spouse, but feels a disconnection,” she added.

On the other hand, feeling alone is more about physical solitude – it does not necessarily result in loneliness if there is still a strong emotional connection with others, she added.

In fact, this “alone” time can be good for your mental health as it allows you to do the things you want, such as indulging in self-care.

THE CAUSES OF MARITAL LONELINESS

“Loneliness is a sign that something is wrong in a relationship,” said Cheak Ching Cheng, a clinical psychologist at The Psychology Practice.

This sense of isolation can quietly erode the bond between husband and wife, which in turn, may lead to feelings of resentment and misunderstanding. “Left unaddressed, it could lead to marital distress, such as conflicts, emotional detachment in the relationship or even end the marriage,” Cheak added.

Loneliness in a marriage can be caused by different factors:

• Lack of physical and emotional engagement: The demands of work and family may leave couples with little time for connection. Even if the wife and husband are physically in the same space, they might not be engaged with each other, which can leave either party feeling like there is little communication, affection or interest in their interactions.
• Lack of emotional responsiveness: Misaligned expectations can lead to misunderstandings between spouses. For instance, when the wife goes to the husband for emotional support, only to be met with logical replies, which can make her feel unheard, misunderstood or even dismissed.
• Lack of attention: When a wife’s need for companionship, communication, partnership or affection from her spouse are unmet.
• Lack of support: Feeling unsupported by the husband while balancing work with household and caregiving responsibilities.
• Lack of conflict resolution: Recurring arguments that are not resolved can create an emotional disconnect between husband and wife.

THE RED FLAGS OF MARITAL LONELINESS      

One of the initial signs of loneliness is when the wife starts to express dissatisfaction in the hope that her husband will attempt to meet her need for connection, said Cheak. “Some women may express this by being critical or blaming. They may complain about feeling neglected, unimportant, not prioritised or unappreciated.”

These are some signs that a woman may be experiencing marital loneliness:

• Seeking emotional support elsewhere – instead of her spouse, she would rather turn to friends or family members.
• Becoming more easily upset or frustrated with things around her, which may lead to frequent outbursts.
• A decrease in desire for intimacy, whether physical or emotional.  
• Increased anxiety. This often manifests in the wife demanding more attention from, and closeness with, her husband.

Experiencing one or more of these signs can result in the wife becoming more detached or withdrawn from the relationship, said Cheak. This, in turn, may increase the feelings of loneliness, pushing the couple further apart.

Both experts CNA Women spoke to said marital loneliness can happen to either partner in a marriage.

It appears more common in women because they are more expressive about their loneliness whereas the husbands may not speak up so willingly due to social expectations – men might see articulating their feelings as a vulnerable emotion that they cannot express, said Cheak.

LONELINESS CAN AFFECT YOU PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY

“A sense of connection is important to our health,” Cheak said.

A 2006 study in the Journal of Psychology and Aging found that loneliness can raise blood pressure and increase the risk of heart attack and stroke.

Physically, it can manifest as sleep challenges – having difficulty falling asleep or finding it hard to stay awake, having headaches or even a weak immune system.

Mentally, loneliness can lead to anxiety and depression, said Pong.

And emotionally, loneliness can impact a woman’s self-worth. Said Cheak: “The wife may feel unimportant, undesired or rejected, which contributes to low self-worth.”

HOW TO RECONNECT WITH YOUR PARTNER

Start by initiating open and honest conversations. This should include sharing deeper, vulnerable feelings and expressing how you feel. But more importantly, do this without putting blame on your spouse, to avoid alienating him further.

Develop connection rituals. According to Cheak, the Gottman method, a structured, goal-oriented and research-based therapy that helps couples build stronger relationships, advises couples “to make time and space to connect with each other in ways that are meaningful to them”.

It doesn’t need to be anything complicated. It can include simple things, such as you and your partner setting aside 30 minutes each week to share your feelings or having weekly dates with each other.

Focusing on personal well-being helps, too. Taking time for self-care can reduce feelings of loneliness and help create a more balanced relationship, said Pong.

You and your spouse might also want to explore couple therapy. This not only provides support in addressing any underlying issues, but also helps you both learn ways to reconnect and build stronger emotional bonds with each other.

When it comes to marital loneliness, “there’s often sadness about the loss of connection, resentment that their needs are not being met, and fear that they are growing apart and losing the relationship,” said Cheak. 

So speak up and seek help now. “Early intervention can prevent deeper rifts from forming,” said Pong.