I couldn’t have children – but being an aunt has been its own kind of joy

As I was wrapping up lunch with a friend last year, she asked what my plans were for the rest of the day. I told her I was taking my niece and nephew to the National Museum of Singapore.

She asked how old they were and when I said they were 18 and 22, she exclaimed: “Wah! So good ah! So old already they still want to hang out with aunty!”

“That’s because I’m a cool aunty,” I replied.

Turns out, I’m not just a cool aunt, I’m a PANK – Professional Aunt, No Kids. I recently came across this acronym, which was coined in 2008 by Canadian-American author and marketing professional Melanie Notkin.

It’s a nod to herself and her friends: well-educated, high-earning professional women who are devoted to the children of their siblings or friends and spend a lot of money and time on them.

Notkin has since written books on PANKs and launched the lifestyle brand Savvy Auntie.

I’m not a "high-earning professional" but I do have disposable income to shower on my niece and nephew – my husband and I never had kids, despite a few years of fertility treatments.

I’m not the only PANK in my social circle. I have a close friend who’s married and childless by choice and loves having her niece over for weekend sleepovers. Another friend is the most maternal woman I know but is single and cherishes her role as godmother to her friend’s son.

During their childhood years, taking my niece and nephew out meant giving their parents a break. Their parents – my brother and his wife – encouraged this relationship and often chauffeured them back and forth to spend time with me.

Now, as adults, I make plans with them directly and it has been a joy watching them grow into the people they have become.

A quick Google search brings up many articles espousing the role of aunts, especially in girls’ lives. Aunts provide emotional support, offer differing perspectives and help them develop social skills.

Being an aunt doesn’t replace having children. Would I be as fun and giving if I had kids of my own? It’s a question that will remain unanswered but being childless has allowed me to fully embrace my role as a PANK – and I am thankful for that.

BONDING SESSIONS AND AUNTY FAILS

My aunt journey began in 2003, when my niece was born. I’ve never been super maternal and my goals back then didn’t involve motherhood.

However, her birth changed something in me. This was my first experience with a baby on an almost-daily basis. I saw the joy this tiny human could bring and how unconditional a baby’s love can be.

Things got more exciting when she got closer to a year old. By then, our families had bought apartments next to each other – my brother and his family in one, my parents, oldest sister and I in the other. Very Asian, I know. But this meant my niece interacted with her extended family every day.

Bonding in the first few years involved taking her out for treats, buying her toys and watching kids’ movies together. I’m sure I’ve watched Monsters, Inc as many times as any parent.

She loved Sesame Street so I booked tickets when I saw that the live show was coming to Singapore. She was super excited too, even as we sat in our seats.

However, once the show started, the unexpected happened – she began to cry. The characters were lovable on screen but big, furry monsters in person? Not so. I, of course, had never imagined this would be scary for a child under three so I chalked that down as an Aunty Fail.

I redeemed myself two years later though, when I took her to the same show and she loved it. In fact, we laugh about it now, that she was scared of Elmo and Cookie Monster.

FROM ONLINE CHATS TO MOVIE DATES

My brother and his wife welcomed their son in 2007. While my niece loved pink and girly toys, my nephew was only interested in vehicles. Buy him a toy car or aeroplane and he’d be entertained for hours.

Don’t even get me started on the number of monster truck YouTube videos I sat through with him.

When my brother was posted overseas for a few years, we communicated mostly through Skype chats every two to three weeks, often beginning with my nephew sending a message from an adult’s phone – “Can Skype now?” I always looked forward to this adorable message.

Over the years, I often took both kids to the cinema, together and separately. I loved seeing them get excited as we’d plan what meal we’d have before or after the film.

This was perfect "aunty duty"time, indulging them in kids’ movies I wouldn’t otherwise watch and not having the discipline to say no to buying treats like their parents probably would have.

NOT A CONSOLATION PRIZE

Now that they’re grown up, I thoroughly enjoy our conversations. Whether it’s discussing the latest music and movies, expressing our confusion at the American political system or simply asking them about their ambitions, these are moments I cherish.

I’ve also somehow instilled in them a love of ice-blended coffee drinks from The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf and love dragging them out to indulge in this unhealthy habit with me. These sessions often lead to the most random, enjoyable conversations.

I don’t see being an aunt as a consolation prize to motherhood as the role I play in their lives is totally different from being a parent. I do not want to parent them; I want to spoil them and provide guidance or different perspectives if they ever want advice.

I made peace with being childless over a decade ago. I embrace my aunt role and think of it as being a confidante and cheerleader rolled into one.

I did have a bittersweet experience with my niece, though. I’m a massive music fan who loves going to concerts and had hoped that I would one day share this experience with my own child.

Nevertheless, I was thrilled to take my niece to her first concert in February 2024, to see Ed Sheeran at the National Stadium.

Being the cool aunt, I didn’t just take her to the concert – I bought matching Ed Sheeran T-shirts beforehand so we could wear them to the gig. Because what’s the point in being an aunt if you can’t do fun things like that?

My oldest sister – who is also a PANK – and I have a WhatsApp group with them and it’s where we chat about random things, send photos of things we think the others will love and make plans for meet-ups.

When the museum trip took place, my nephew was waiting to be enlisted into National Service and my niece was looking for a job after graduating from university, so I took the chance to spend more time with them, before they got bogged down with adult responsibilities.

Both my niece and nephew have towered over me for years now (which isn’t difficult as I’m short) but they’ll always be ‘kids’ in my eyes. And this PANK will be there for them to scare any ‘monsters’ away whenever they appear – and not just the Sesame Street ones.

Imagine my surprise – and delight – when they both allowed me to follow them on Instagram a couple of years ago. I hope it’s because they think I’m a "cool aunt" too.