‘I gave up on parenting’: This mother suffered from parental burnout – here’s how she beat it

Three years ago, in the middle of the COVID-19 pandemic, I gave up on parenting. Or rather, I let go of the expectations I had of what it meant to be a “good Mum” – and stopped.

I remember this clearly: My elder daughter was in primary six. The stress of coaching her for the national exams, PSLE, got to me. The heightened alerts enforced for the Delta strain meant that in-person activities were reduced, especially in the lead-up to the actual exams – no tuition, reduced activities and added restrictions on social activities.

The stress of managing my children with the ever-changing COVID-19 protocols took a toll. What’s more, I had lost my job a year earlier and was working part-time on different projects. Worrying about finances kept me up.

When we were able to get our COVID-19 vaccinations, I suffered from irritability and lack of concentration from the side effects.

To make matters worse, I got into a car accident that made me pricklier, exhibiting mood swings that my family did not enjoy. I was physically fine, but my mental health was definitely in decline.

One day, I decided that I was over it – I lost interest in parenting. The Gen Z speak is “cannot [insert verb] anymore” and at that point, I couldn’t “Mum” anymore.

I had what is known as mum burnout.

A SINGAPORE MOTHER’S DEFINITION OF MUM BURNOUT

Parental burnout, or in my case, mum burnout, is when you are chronically exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. This occurs when constant stress depletes your energy and ability to be present for and fully engaged in your children’s lives and activities. Many victims also suffer from self-doubt and feel they are “not good enough”.

In the Singapore context, it’s about providing the “best” for our children – in education, in after-school or enrichment activities, and even experiences and gadgets. Whether it’s choosing the right tutor or tuition centre, the best school, and their sports activities and holidays, it is about providing our children with the best value our money can buy.

This gets worse when we compare ourselves with other parents and families: It then becomes a low-key comparison game, but reverse engineered to make one feel worse instead of a winner.

SYMPTOMS OF PARENTAL BURNOUT

Like work burnout and caregiver burnout, parental burnout is characterised by four key factors:

• Persistent and overwhelming exhaustion as a parent
• Comparison of one’s past performance or others’, as a parent
• Feeling emotionally distant from one’s children
• Feeling a lack of fulfilment from being a parent

According to a study that looked at 15 years of parental burnout research, these feelings culminate in a sense of guilt and shame which then trigger more distress at the situation and turns into a never-ending cycle of feeling bad.

Some mums also admit to having escapist fantasies where they daydream of leaving their lives for something new or if they’d never had children.

Other extreme feelings include severe mum rage, with emotional highs and lows and constant anxiety about everything, to disconnect you from your children, other family members and even hampering them from asking for help.

HOW DOES PARENTAL BURNOUT HAPPEN?

No one really knows what causes parental burnout. But one can surmise that the constant “grind of doing” creates a loss of pleasure in parenting activities is what causes the burnout.

The stress of parenting increases when one faces yet more strain from working full-time. Over 63.4 per cent of Singapore women are in the workforce compared with 77 per cent of men. Yet, this article shared that over 25 per cent of Singapore women were willing to give up their careers for their family.

It is a number that’s reflective of the traditional gender roles assigned to women. It is not unique to Singapore.

During the height of COVID-19 in 2020, over two million women in the United States quit their jobs. This was attributed to the lack of childcare arrangements and the fact that women tend to take on the role of caregiving – not only for their children but for their ageing parents as well, according to the Center for Retirement Research at Boston College in the US.

WHAT HAPPENED WITH MY OWN MUM BURNOUT

Many of these statistics are reflected in my own story from 2020. When I lost my job then, I devoted all my time to keeping the family safe, sourcing for hand sanitisers, protective face masks and creating a routine during the circuit breaker.

The health concerns were real, especially when one has young children and ageing parents who are vulnerable to infection. The ever-changing guidelines gave me more stress. 

By the time vaccines were made available a year later, I had had these stresses for almost 18 months. I had started to work freelance and part-time, while juggling all the home duties and responsibilities of being a semi-SAHM.

It culminated in the car accident following my second vaccine dose. I had trouble focusing and the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) from the minor car accident left me completely out of sorts.

When the announcement that in-person tuition and activities would be restricted – almost a month before the PSLE – I was feeling so depleted that I couldn’t even cry or give an angry response.

I was what my daughter termed “all Mum’ed out that I couldn’t ‘Mum’ anymore”.

I decided to “quietly quit” – deciding to do the bare minimum because, really, I had done everything in my power to help my daughter with her exams by then. While I couldn’t go above and beyond, she had enough tuition and learned enough to pass the exams.

OVERCOMING THE STRESSES OF PARENTAL BURNOUT

There are no set solutions for overcoming parental burnout. It differs from person to person although some key solutions are:

• Prioritising self-care is important for mental health and clarity
• Seek a supportive network to feel connected, preferably non-children related – whether it’s a family member, or a group of friends or even, your partner
• Take breaks from your children or family to give yourself time on your own
• Don’t over-schedule your time
• Get moving to feel energised and positive about outcomes
• Make sure to rest

To ensure that burned out parents or mums get their joy of parenting back, it does help to step out of the usual day-to-day and pursue some me-time either with a walk outside or doing an activity you enjoy.

One other way to overcome the burnout factor is to identify the stress triggers – whether it’s a competitive parent from your child’s class or seeing other parents giving their children something you never had growing up. Once you recognise that trigger, it gets easier to manage potential burnout situations.

Having a good support network – either family or friends – will provide a fresh perspective and maybe even some laughs. Finally, if all else fails, seek professional help with a psychologist for some therapy.

For me, I took some time to recover from the burnout. Spending time away from my children a few hours a day helped me greatly.

Over a few weeks, I set up my laptop at a girlfriend’s house and we worked silently together a few hours each time. Twice a week, I would take 45-minute walks on my own, to ensure I got fresh air and time to clear my head.

With some time on my own, away from the hustle of constantly doing, it wasn’t long before I could “mum” again.