‘You’re not even my mum’: What it’s like to be a full-time stepmother of two children in Singapore
When Yi Lian Ng-Groves first started dating her husband Adam 10 years ago, she assumed he would be a “weekend father” like many single dads. She ended up becoming a full-on stepmother to his two kids almost from day one. She writes about the reality of being a stepmum in Singapore, her unique challenges and the priceless joys of being a mother to them.
No one ever grows up aspiring to be a step-parent, myself included – except that was exactly the position I found myself in when I was 30.
I did not officially become a stepmother until I married my husband Adam when I was 35. Unofficially, however, that role started almost as soon as we began dating.
While most couples get a chance to develop their own intimate relationship before children are mixed into the equation – whether these are couples who decide to become parents or single parents who decide to introduce their kids to their new partners after a period of time – Adam and I did not have that luxury.
His son and daughter were four and one-and-a-half years old respectively when we started our relationship. Time spent with him naturally included his children.
Very quickly, the kids and I developed our own relationship where I would take them out on my own – curious strangers would stare and wonder about our dynamics. There were numerous times where other kids in the neighbourhood would ask them if I was their domestic helper.
When I tried to share my new life with friends and family, a common response would be: “This is what you sign up for when you get together with a single parent.”
It was a perspective I didn’t shy away from. I understood wholeheartedly that my new plus-one was, in reality, a package of one-plus-two. Naively, I also assumed that Adam would become a weekend-father like most single dads. How far from that assumption my current life has evolved into.
BECOMING THE DE FACTO MUM EVEN WHILE DATING
Four-and-half-years after we got together, his divorce finally received a judgment – Adam and his ex-wife would share custody of their kids, with sole care and control given to Adam. The latter covers day-to-day decisions pertaining to the children, such as what schools they go to, what they eat, when their dental appointments are, and so on.
That arrangement was in place for five years until July, when the kids’ mother left Singapore for good. Since then, my 14-year-old stepson and 11-year-old stepdaughter have been with us 24/7, barring the occasional sleepover with their friends or stepcousins.
For a few years, I stepped in to fill some gaps financially – the kids were enrolled in local schools but paid much higher fees (S$875 for primary school and S$1,750 for secondary school, monthly) because they are not Singapore citizens, and my husband was going through a temporary financial setback at that time.
While those are financial and logistical obstacles, the bigger challenges are the emotional and mental ones.
The difficult relationship between the kids’ biological parents means any possibility of effective co-parenting is non-existent. Disparate narratives make it difficult to instil consistent values.
For example, in my own family, I grew up doing household chores and helping out in my parents’ home. Adam and I agreed that it was important to instil this in our new family. But this became a point of resentment for the kids as they were not required to do this when they were with their mother.
CAN A STEPMUM REALLY BE “JUST A FRIEND”?
From the beginning of my relationship with my stepchildren, I’d been advised by everyone to “just be their friend”. But I now find myself alone at home with them more than their father, so how do I navigate being “just their friend” while they are fighting with each other, failing to wake up on time to attend their homeschooling lessons or lying about the spare change they got from the neighbourhood shop because they bought a snack without prior permission?
While my step-parenting tasks are not any easier than a biological parent’s, why then, are the expectations on me to refrain from losing my cool higher?
How do I remain a “friend” when I have to give at least three reminders every day just to get them to shower, without losing my cool? I’ve also often been told, “Hey, you’re a stepmum – it’s a lot harder for you to recover your relationship with your stepkids if you discipline them.”
While my step-parenting tasks are not any easier than a biological parent’s, why then, are the expectations on me to refrain from losing my cool higher?
Self-restraint has become my daily practice. If I witness wrongdoings, I get the kids to rectify their actions immediately but I also inform their father about what transpired without – as much as I can – getting caught up in my personal feelings, so he can support my earlier actions when he returns home.
As a result, I haven’t been spared the “you’re not even my mum” or “I hate you” remarks, which hurt deeply. I’m sure the latter comment is something many biological parents of teenagers also receive but in those moments of hurt, I’ve asked myself if I have the right to feel hurt.
Had I not “signed up for this”, after all? Should it hurt less when you’re not the biological parent, despite all your years of effort and love spent on these kids that you did not birth?
SIGNING UP – AND SIGNING ON – 100 PER CENT
In my sensible moments of clarity, I know those hurtful moments shouldn’t be taken to heart because children are often the result of their circumstances – whether they are biologically yours or not.
Whenever I have moments of resentment or self-pity because I fail to understand why a stepmum needs to contribute to or put up with this much, I remind myself, almost punishingly, “this is what I signed up for”.
I haven’t been spared the “you’re not even my mum” or “I hate you” remarks, which hurt deeply.
What I hadn’t realised, until recently when I started therapy, is that, no, I actually did not know what I had signed up for. Once I accepted that on a deeper level, I became gentler on myself and did not expect myself to be emotionally immovable in domestic turmoil.
Of course, one could argue that I could decide not to stay in my marriage and leave these trying blended-family dynamics behind. But I remind myself to look at the long-term.
There are rewarding moments where I feel I do belong to this blended family and its unique dynamics. And these are many. Since their father and I got married five years ago, my stepkids have frequently asked me whether I would take their last name, even though my husband has never asked me to.
I didn’t feel ready until this year, when my husband and I felt closer than we ever did. The expressions of joy from the kids when I told them I was doing the legal paperwork to share their last name was priceless.
One week after I received the deed poll for my new double-barreled last name, my stepson excitedly announced he had added me to his online family tree.
The expressions of joy from the kids when I told them I was doing the legal paperwork to share their last name was priceless.
No doubt, being a full-time stepmother is challenging but I’m in it because I love the man I married. We believe we can overcome social stigmas and change so-called traditional values, as long as we confront them together.
I know my story is not a conventional one in Singapore and it’s one that I hesitated, at first, to share publicly for two reasons: I do not know of many women in a similar situation, and I live in a country where airing “dirty linen” is frowned upon.
What is often shared on public platforms are so-called achievements and successes, such as career advancements, entrepreneurial milestones or pregnancy announcements.
But being able to overcome my own self-limiting beliefs about what I can give and achieve as a full-time stepmother, despite all the opposition and challenges thrown my way – I think these are achievements and successes that ought to be celebrated too.
CNA Women is a section on CNA Lifestyle that seeks to inform, empower and inspire the modern woman. If you have women-related news, issues and ideas to share with us, email CNAWomen [at] mediacorp.com.sg.