Can you heal a broken relationship without forgiving or forgetting? Perhaps you can

There’s something about the end of the year that makes us feel more reflective and conciliatory than usual. Perhaps your ego has been weighing you down like a millstone around your neck. You’re just as tired of carrying the hurt, frustration and sadness for the whole year – and you want to put it all down. You want to go home to a “you” that is at peace.

“As things slow down and we step back from the usual busyness, we often start thinking about what truly matters or weighs on us,” said Dr Annabelle Chow, a clinical psychologist from Annabelle Psychology. “It might be a strained relationship, an unfinished conversation, a promise we didn’t keep, or something we’ve always wanted to make right.”

Psychologically, said Serene Lee, a psychotherapist and the founder of counselling centre ICCT.sg, this time of the year is a “natural checkpoint”. “You can think of it as the emotional equivalent of your handphone prompting you to update your software. The year is ending, and there is this collective pressure to start the new year with a clean slate." 

For others, it could be a health scare, the loss of a loved one, or a milestone that prompts them to seek reconciliation, observed Dr Chow. “These moments tend to remind them of the fleetingness of time and importance of connection. Others describe feeling weighed down by the ongoing distance or tension, and realising that holding on to the resentment has become more painful than the vulnerability it takes to reach out.”

And sometimes, people are just tired, said Lee. “The initial heat of the argument has cooled, and what is left is this cold, hard lump of silence. After five years, you might not even remember why you stopped talking to your father but you do miss his terrible but hilarious Dad jokes.”

If you’ve been meaning to mend a broken relationship in your life, here’s what the experts say you can do. 

IS EGO THE ONLY OBSTACLE TO FORGIVENESS?

“Ego is the flashy headline,” said Lee, “but the real story is often in the fine print.” She likened reconciliation to “less like a single wall (ego) and more like a whole obstacle course” that can include the following hurdles:

Fear of rejection or hurt: “It is like touching a hot stove; once burned, you are terrified to go near it. And people would rather live with the quiet, known pain of estrangement than risk a new, fresh hurt,” said Lee.

Unresolved trauma and lack of trust: This is when you develop a mental checklist of every wrong ever committed against you, said Lee, then pressuring the other party to get over it. “It is dismissive of their feelings. It shows you are more interested in your own comfort (wanting the awkwardness to be over) than in their genuine emotional recovery.”

Deeply held assumptions about the other person can also get in the way, said Dr Chow. “For example, thoughts like, ‘They don’t care’ or ‘I was the only one trying’, can make it hard to even consider reaching out.”

Cause of conflict: A one-off argument about politics is easier to fix than a long pattern of betrayal, like financial deceit or chronic unreliability, said Lee. “One is a spark; the other is a slow-burning fire.”

The depth of betrayal and severity of the boundary violation are other considerations, said Dr Chow. “Abuse or severe breaches of trust may require more time, clarity and even a sense of safety, to even consider reconciliation.” 

Duration: Long separations, said Dr Chow, can create emotional distance and “lead to assumptions about whether and how much people have changed”. 

“The longer the silence, the rustier the door becomes,” Lee said. “A three-month estrangement might just need a good push. A 10-year one might need new hinges, a locksmith, and possibly an emotional archaeologist to figure out what is buried there.”

DO YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE AND FORGET TO RECONCILE?

“This is a huge myth!” exclaimed Lee. “It is a beautiful concept but it is about as realistic as expecting your handphone to never have a scratch. You do not have to do either to reconcile.”

She continued: “It is about acknowledging the hurt while being open to reconnect. Think of it less like erasing a whiteboard, and more like creating a new file on your computer. The old file is still there but you are choosing to work on a new document together”.

Dr Chow agreed that neither “forgive” nor “forget” is needed for reconciliation. “You can forgive without resuming the relationship, and you can reconcile without having fully forgiven if both parties are willing to rebuild trust gradually.”

If you strongly feel that forgiveness is part of the equation for you and it feels out of reach, said Dr Chow, start with understanding. Ask yourself: “What hurt me?”, “What might have been happening for the other person?”, “What do I need to feel safe again?”.

“Compassion, toward yourself and the other person, often opens the door to forgiveness over time. For those who feel especially stuck, seeking therapy can help unpack these layers,” she suggested.

WHAT’S THE BEST WAY TO INITIATE CONTACT?

“For most, a simple and non-intrusive text message works best as it gives the other person space to process before responding and is a lot less intimidating for the sender themselves,” said Dr Chow. 

At this initial stage, “keep it short, simple, and focused on your feelings and express intention, not demand”, said Lee. You could text: “Hi, I have been thinking of you and hope you are well” or “Hi, I’ve been thinking of you lately and just wanted to reach out. No pressure to reply. I just wanted you to know I still care”.

“Do not jump into heavy apologies or explanations right away,” added Lee. “If they do not reply, that is still an answer – and sometimes, peace means accepting that.”

DO YOU HAVE TO MEET THE OTHER PARTY TO RECONCILE?

“If both parties are open, and it feels emotionally or physically safe, an in-person meeting tends to be the most effective way to reconnect,” said Dr Chow. “Face-to-face conversations allow for tone, facial expressions, and body language to come through, which helps reduce misunderstandings that can easily happen over text.”

Organise the meet-up in a neutral, calm environment like a cafe or park – somewhere that feels comfortable and relaxed, but not too private or crowded, advised Dr Chow. 

“Bringing a mutual friend or trusted family member can be helpful if emotions are likely to run high, or if you think a neutral third party could help keep the conversation balanced,” she said. “Ensure that everyone involved agrees to the meeting beforehand to avoid it feeling like an ambush or an intervention.”

But sometimes, face-to-face meetings can intensify strong negative emotions such as anger or resentment, Dr Chow cautioned. In such situations, it may be better to start with a phone or video call to set clear boundaries for the conversation. Do that before moving to a full in-person discussion, she advised.

WHAT CAN YOU SAY DURING THE MEETING?

“When it comes to reconciliation, sincerity often shines through simplicity rather than grand apologies or lengthy justifications,” said Dr Chow. “A single, heartfelt apology, acknowledging your part in what happened, is often more meaningful than repeating ‘I’m sorry’ over and over. It’s okay to share what was happening for you at the time but do so with the intention of giving context, not justification,” she advised.

Focus on ownership, not blame, said Lee. “The goal is to use ‘I’ statements and focus on the relationship, not the evidence, to share feelings without excessive apologies.” For example, you can say, "I was really hurt by what was said, and I know I probably contributed to the tension that night, too", she suggested.

You could say: “Looking back, I realise I was under a lot of stress then, and I didn’t handle things well. I can see how that hurt you and I’m sorry for that”. “This kind of honesty invites understanding rather than defensiveness,” said Dr Chow.

WHAT SHOULD YOU AVOID SAYING?

One little word to avoid is “but”. “It instantly cancels out ‘sorry’, and turns the conversation into a counterattack. You are no longer apologising; you are starting a new argument,” said Lee. It also makes the meeting more inflammatory when you say the following, she said: 

• Blame-shifting (“What about that time in 2018 when you forgot my birthday?”)
• Defensiveness (“I said sorry already; what else do you want?”)
• Downplaying the other party’s suffering (“It’s not that bad; you’re over-reacting”)
• Playing the victim (“I am such a terrible person! I ruin everything”)

Remember, you are trying to put out a fire, not start a forest fire, Lee said. Don’t drag in unrelated arguments from last year to prove a point. If you do, she continued, you are no longer trying to solve one problem; you are now fighting every problem you have ever encountered. “It tells the other person that you have been keeping a secret list of their wrongs and are not truly interested in moving forward. You just want to win.”

Making big promises is dangerous, too, highlighted Lee. “When you say, ‘I promise I will never mess up again’ or ‘I will change everything about myself’, it sounds more like a fairy tale than reality. And when you inevitably make a human mistake later, it feels like another betrayal, eroding trust even further.”

Instead, make a promise that is specific and doable like, "I will work on listening without interrupting".

WHAT’S NEXT AFTER THE MEETING?

If it went well, congratulations! But don’t rush things, said Lee. “You cannot go from zero to besties in one day. Your goal now is to be a chill buddy.”

You can start by sending a casual "thank you" message after the meeting and rebuild slowly, said Lee. For example, you can text, "Hey, just wanted to say I really appreciated our chat yesterday. It meant a lot to me. No need to reply!". “This shows you are sincere without demanding more emotional energy from them,” she said.

Then, aim to rebuild trust through consistency, said Dr Chow. “Try small gestures such as check-ins, active listening, following through on promises, or remembering important dates which can help the relationship feel safe again.”

But if the conversation went belly up, take time to process your emotions. “Reflect on what you learned and what you needed from that closure,” said Dr Chow. “Sometimes, peace comes not from reconciliation itself, but from knowing you’ve acted with integrity and made an effort.”

Your goal now is to shift from "reconciling with them" to "finding peace within yourself", said Lee. “This is the ‘well, I tried’ consolation prize – and it is more powerful than it sounds” because “their ‘no’ is not a reflection of your worth”.

“It is just their response to a question you have asked,” Lee pointed out. “You now have valuable information: You know where you stand, and you can stop wasting energy on what-if’s. You’ve said what you needed to say, and their reaction is now their responsibility, not yours.”

Since you can’t get closure from the other party, write the ending yourself, said Lee, with a sprinkle of self-compassion. “For instance, to express your feelings and lighten your emotional weight, you could write a personal closure letter that you do not send, scream into a pillow, go for a long run, or have a heart-to-heart talk with your therapist or coach. End it with, ‘and so I have decided that I am not carrying this weight anymore’.”