Feeling stuck or unfulfilled? 4 ways to tell if you’re holding yourself back – and what you can do

If you’ve watched the animated movie Kung Fu Panda, you might recall Po exclaiming: “I knew I wasn't eating up to my full potential!", when he saw how prodigiously gifted the other pandas were at eating. Despite being able to stuff 40 dumplings into his mouth at a go, he realised he’d been holding himself back all this time. 

It’s a line that’s both funny and real because you might have had such epiphanies, too. While you might consider yourself flourishing, you could have, at some points in life, stopped yourself from living to your full potential. Your own set of beliefs, behaviours and habits could sit like a boulder in your way. 

It might be your refusal to try something new – anything that disrupts your status quo or takes you out of your comfort zone. It could even be something as simple as letting yourself rest. If you’re ready to fulfil your potential, here’s what you can do. Dumplings not needed. 

1. YOUR FEAR OF DISCOMFORT IS HOLDING YOU BACK

How you feel on Sunday night, or any night before the work week begins, is a barometer of how aligned your job is to how you want to live your life. If you have chronic fatigue, anxiety or the “Sunday scaries”, the fit isn’t all that great. 

Having said that, not everything uncomfortable spells misalignment. Take, for example, starting something new (such as a workout, diet, job or even a new bus route); you’d be struck with the urge to ditch it and go back to your old ways. 

That’s because your brain is wired to be stingy on spending extra energy on activities that don't affect your survivability, wrote Professor Bruce Wilson, a psychologist in private practice in Australia in Psychology Today. 

Taking a new route to the office isn't going to unalive you but your brain will have to work harder at remembering new turns. So it tries to dissuade you by making you feel uncomfortable about the new route ("It feels longer than usual"). 

And sometimes, discomfort can also mean you’re going through a period of growth. Positive psychology practitioner Nicole Glisson recounted a past senior leadership role, where she felt a constant sense of discomfort. 

“I was second-guessing decisions, navigating difficult conversations, and holding responsibility at a level I hadn’t before. Part of me questioned whether I was in the right role,” said Glisson, who is now the director of academic affairs at The School of Positive Psychology. 

“What helped was noticing that, despite the discomfort, there were energy, meaning and a sense of expansion. That distinction was key, and once I noticed it in one area of my life, it became easier to recognise in others.”

So then, the question is: How do you tell you’re growing through personal growth and not misalignment? 

“Growth tends to feel uncomfortable but purposeful,” said Glisson. “There’s effort but also a sense of movement, learning, and alignment with something that matters.” Misalignment, she continued, often “feels depleting over time, like you’re moving further away from yourself, not deeper into who you are”.

Another useful signal, according to Glisson, is what happens after the challenge. “Growth often brings reflection, insight, and even a quiet sense of pride. Misalignment tends to leave ongoing frustration, disconnection or resentment.”

WHAT YOU CAN DO

Glisson is of the opinion that discomfort needs to be normalised. “Too often, we interpret discomfort as a cue to retreat rather than a signal to pay attention.” She cited some guidelines below to help address the urge to return to your comfort zone:

• Name what’s happening – Saying “this is growth discomfort” creates psychological safety.
• Break it into smaller edges – You don’t need to leap; you can stretch incrementally.
• Reflect – Ask yourself, “What am I learning about myself here?”. It helps to convert experience into insight.
• Stay connected – Growth is much harder in isolation. High-quality connections create both support and perspective.
• Give it time – Learning happens when you pause long enough to integrate the experience, and not just push through it.

At the same time, one can’t live in a constant state of growth or stretch, said Glisson. “Sustainable growth is less about intensity and more about rhythm. We need cycles of effort and recovery.”

Being able to live with the discomfort that accompanies growth is also easier if you anchor the process in something meaningful. “When learning is connected to purpose, contribution or who we want to become, it becomes easier to stay with the discomfort,” said Glisson. 

“And finally, self-compassion is essential. Growth isn’t linear. There are moments of progress, moments of doubt, and moments where we step back. That’s not failure, it’s part of the process.”

At the end of the day, the goal isn’t to eliminate discomfort, she added, but to build a more trusting relationship with it. “To recognise that sometimes, the very thing that feels challenging is also the doorway to becoming more of who we are.”

2. YOU FEEL BAD FOR WANTING MORE IN LIFE

“For most of us, life is not in crisis; it is okay,” said Jana Dawson, the deputy CEO of The School of Positive Psychology. “We show up, meet expectations, care for others, and keep things going. On the surface, nothing is wrong.” 

Yet, you could have a nagging feeling that something is missing in life or can be better – and you don’t feel great talking about it either. What do you have to complain about when you have a steady income, and you’re able to pay your bills and put food on the table? 

Dawson disagreed with the notion that you have to “struggle enough” to justify change. “I believe it is our human right to flourish, to grow not because something is wrong but because something more is possible.” For example, a person who is doing well in their career may notice a quiet sense of disengagement, she cited an example. “The person isn’t burnt out but they are not energised either.” 

One possible explanation is that your external success and internal wellbeing aren’t aligned, said Dawson. The two don’t always grow at the same rate, she said. “Externally, we focus on achievement. Internally, what sustains wellbeing is meaning; the sense that what we are doing matters and aligns with what is important to us.”

The conflict comes about when “professional environments often emphasise titles and recognition”. “Yet, long-term well-being is more strongly linked to relationships, and the quality of our connections with others,” she added, referring to the “experience of being interested, energised, and absorbed in what we are doing”. “When work becomes purely about output, that sense of engagement can diminish.”

WHAT YOU CAN DO

What a happy, fulfilling life is to a friend may not be your idea of one. “Understanding what a better life means begins with awareness, reflection, knowledge and exploration,” said Dawson. “It is rarely something we can define immediately but it is something we can begin to notice.”

It often starts with the simple questions, she said. Is my life significant to me? Does it make sense to me? When do I feel most energised and when do I feel depleted? “These questions do not demand immediate answers. They create space to pause, reflect and gradually shape a life that feels more aligned, more intentional, and ultimately, more our own.”

Dawson described happiness as “subjective wellbeing” and “inherently personal”. If you’re looking for guidelines, look into how “cultivating positive emotions, being fully engaged in activities, finding meaning, nurturing relationships, and pursuing goals aligned with your values and strengths” can improve your happiness index. 

“However, they are not a formula we can simply apply,” Dawson highlighted. “Each of us brings our own life stage, cultural context, responsibilities, and lived experiences into the equation. What feels meaningful to one person may not hold the same significance for another. A ‘better life’ is therefore, not something we copy. It is something we define for ourselves.”

It doesn’t mean you should reject external success either. “Achievement and ambition can be positive forces,” said Dawson. “The question is whether we are also investing in the internal conditions that sustain wellbeing. Because when these are overlooked, even significant success can begin to feel unexpectedly empty.”

3. YOU TEND TO OVERTHINK THINGS

It is a behavioural pattern often seen in couples, said Shawn Soh, a senior counsellor with TOUCH Counselling & Psychological Service. “Many people put tremendous effort into doing more, planning more, fixing more and over-analysing every interaction, thinking it will strengthen the relationship.”

Quite often, your partner is not asking for grand gestures or constant problem-solving. “What they truly want is something simpler: reassurance, presence, and to feel genuinely cared for,” said Soh. “When overthinking takes over, it’s not preparation. It’s often fear masquerading as productivity, fear of disappointing, fear of being inadequate, fear of losing the relationship.”

You are overthinking when you experience rising anxiety and a constant sense of urgency, said Soh. “It can feel like being stuck on a mental treadmill with lots of motion but no forward progress. You will notice a loop of ‘what if’ questions, second guessing, and a tendency to delay decisions as your thoughts circle the same concerns again and again.” 

Physically, you may experience tightness in the chest or jaw, restlessness, or a low-level sense of dread, according to Dr Alla Demutska, the clinical director of counselling and psychotherapy at The School of Positive Psychology. “Some people describe going into a kind of freeze, a numbness, an unresponsiveness to the outside world that looks like concentration but is actually dissociation.”

In contrast to overthinking, thinking analytically is like using a map, said Soh. “The process may still involve careful consideration but it leads to clarity and action. It helps you arrive at decisions with greater confidence.” In short, he said, overthinking drains energy and amplifies doubt, while analytical thinking creates direction, purpose and momentum. 

Overthinking is also a reinforcement trap, said Dr Demutska. “When you overthink, nothing catastrophic happens – and the nervous system registers it as evidence that the thinking worked.”

The problem is, the overthinking didn't prevent anything. “What would have happened if you had simply acted would, in most cases, have been considerably more manageable than the fear predicted. But you never got to find that out because you didn't act. The overthinking takes credit for a catastrophe that was never coming,” she said.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

The goal is not to tell yourself to stop overthinking, said Dr Demutska. “That approach almost always creates a second loop; now you are overthinking the overthinking, judging yourself for doing it, and trying to think your way out of overthinking. It compounds rather than resolves.”

Instead, work on the physical part first. When you recognise the familiar signs of mental circling starting, figure out what is happening to your body, she advised. “Where is the tension? What is your breath doing right now? Is there a quality of urgency in the body that doesn't match what is actually in front of you at this moment?” 

In most cases, the urgency experienced as you overthink comes from learning to anticipate danger in a context that doesn't exist, said Dr Demutska. So, any time the loop restarts, come back to your body through breathing. 

Once you’re more physically regulated, she suggested assessing the following:

• Ask what you are really afraid of – It’s usually not what you are thinking about but what you are afraid will happen. 
• Name the fear as specifically as possible – Often, when spoken plainly, the fear is considerably smaller than the thinking that’s protecting it.
• Note the nature of the information in your mind – If you have genuinely thought through the situation, doing it again is not about the information; it is about anxiety reduction. 

“One of the most effective ways to break free from overthinking is to take action, especially through small, manageable steps,” said Soh. “Action disrupts the overthinking cycle and brings us back into the present moment.” 

Another helpful strategy, he suggested, is to set a clear time limit for thinking. It could be 10 minutes, an hour, or even a day – then move on to the next step when the time is up. “This prevents rumination from taking over and turning fear into an endless mental rehearsal.”

But the real work, said Dr Demutska, is to build a different relationship with uncertainty. “Overthinking is, at its core, an attempt to think your way out of not knowing, and out of the fear that comes with acting. The more a person can develop a tolerance for uncertainty and the fear that comes with it, the less the mind will need to think its way to safety.”

4. YOU SEE REST AS BEING LAZY

The TV may be on but your mind is on a report due soon. You genuinely feel that your career will fall apart if you so much as not check your emails for a day. In fact, you may even secretly pride yourself for being “on the ball”, especially if your efforts have earned you places and promotions. 

It’s a situation known as performance identity, said Stephen Lew, a psychotherapist and the founder of The School Of Positive Psychology. “Many people have been conditioned to derive their sense of worth from achievement, output and results.”

In Singapore, he continued, that identity is reinforced by inherited narratives such as “Don’t be a burden or a failure” and “If you are not contributing, you are replaceable”.

Lew added that people who base their productivity on guilt do not want to pass work on to others because they fear being seen as weak, less committed, or becoming a burden to others. “These factors may indicate why they like going to work while sick. It is not always about dedication or resilience; it is often about protecting identity, perception and a sense of worth.”

There are deeper drivers, too, such as being addicted to busyness, said Lew. “Busyness gives people a sense of control, importance and structure. It also becomes a shield from other life aspects, which distracts them from deeper questions about their meaning, identity and purpose.”

For instance, when some individuals stop working, “unresolved thoughts, emotions and discomfort enter their minds”, said Lew. “So, they stay busy to avoid facing themselves. Busyness had become an effective distractor, coping mechanism and survival strategy.”

WHAT YOU CAN DO

The starting point, Lew said, is to have self-love and self-acceptance. “Many people have done well but they have never really paused to fully acknowledge it.” For instance, you may hold an inner belief that you are still not enough and as a result, no amount of achievement can fill the gap.

It also helps to reframe your perception of rest. “When we label rest as being lazy, it creates an emotional imbalance and makes it harder to truly recover,” said Soh.

He highlighted that the kind of rest – passive versus active rest – matters as well. “Passive rest, such as prolonged doom scrolling or watching videos for hours, can sometimes leave us feeling more drained or guilty.” 

On the other hand, active rest is restorative and includes activities such as taking a walk in nature, spending time with loved ones, or engaging in a hobby without any pressure to produce an outcome, he said. “When rest is intentional and aligned with recovery, it becomes easier to see rest as necessary rather than indulgent.”