‘I don’t want to give up on love’: Dating after divorce and how self-healing helps women overcome fear

When Jasmine Siang was 36, her 12-year marriage ended.

Like many women who go through a divorce, her world crumbled. She had just given birth to her fourth child, and then, she found herself alone, trying to navigate both heartbreak and single motherhood.

“I was pushing 40 with four children, but no husband to care for me. I asked myself, ‘Am I still desirable?’. I hated myself for the divorce,” the 54-year-old told CNA Women.

According to the Singapore Department of Statistics, 7,382 marriages in Singapore ended in divorce or annulment in 2024 – a 3.7 per cent increase from the 7,118 cases in 2023. And for every 1,000 married women, 5.7 went through a divorce last year.

Behind those numbers are women like Siang, who, despite the heartbreak of divorce, still long for companionship, intimacy, and the chance to start over.

LOOKING FOR LOVE DESPITE THE FEAR AND SHAME

One of the hurdles to dating after divorce is practicality. Balancing work, childcare, and household responsibilities can make dating feel like a tedious, extra task.

Violet Lim, co-founder and chief executive officer of matchmaking platform Lunch Actually, has seen this among her clients: “Many divorced women want to find love, but making the time to meet someone new feels too much in an already hectic life.”

Professional relationship coach Anisa Hassan, founder of matchmaking service Date High Flyers, said, like everyone else, divorced women long for companionship. But taking the first step feels overwhelming because beyond logistics lies something deeper: Fear.

For Zahra, a single mum of two, that fear is all-encompassing.

“When I think about meeting other men, I’m scared,” the 31-year-old educator, who did not want to reveal her full name, told CNA Women. “I fear that my next relationship will be like my marriage, or that people will judge me for wanting a relationship when I have two kids to care for.”

Sharls Stewart, a 30-year-old who separated from her ex-husband after two years of marriage, said she was fearful of not being able to trust again. She told CNA Women that her marriage had been “traumatic due to a painful betrayal”.

“I have this fear that I’ll never be able to open up, or that even if I do, I’ll always get hurt,” the youth worker added.

Having worked with many divorced clients, Anisa explained that these fears stem from layers of emotional baggage which existed long before the couple married.  

At the core, fear can come from the pain of broken trust, the vulnerability of opening up, or the worry of being looked down upon. But Anisa said that fear can go deeper than that. 

“Childhood experiences and the expectations of love shown by parents, other family members, or the media play a huge role in influencing these fears,” Anisa said. 

“So by the time a woman gets divorced, she’s not only carrying the grief of her marriage ending, but also years of learned ideas about love, rejection, and self-worth.

“That’s why the fears often stretch into existential worries about being alone forever, or never being worthy of love again.”

Zahra said she dreads the idea of growing old alone or being forever unloved – anxieties that Siang recalled experiencing in the early years following her divorce in 2007.

“It’s why some divorced women go into dating hoping to fill the void immediately without processing their separation,” Anisa said. “But when the baggage of their past goes unaddressed, the women risk repeating old behaviours or attracting the same type of men. Then the cycle of broken relationships repeats.”

Therapist Theresa Pong, founder and director of counselling service The Relationship Room, added that while fears can affect divorced women of any background, those who are not financially independent are especially vulnerable.

“Women who have always relied on their ex-husbands for financial security tend to feel pressured to rush into another relationship, just to regain that stability,” she said. “They may settle quickly, out of practicality, without reflecting if this new partner is truly right for them.”

Fear is also often intertwined with shame, particularly in Asian society, where divorce is still taboo, Pong noted.

For Siang, the shame was suffocating. “For years, I didn’t even call myself a divorcee. I hated the word; it was like a heavy stain that never went away. I’d say things like, ‘Oh, my children don’t have a father,’ or ‘I’m single’, instead.

“The reality was that I was too ashamed of what happened,” she said. “I hated that I made a mistake so big it cost me more than 10 years of my life, so much money. And in the end, my marriage still failed.”

Zahra added: “There’s this toxic thinking that divorcees and single mums are ‘used goods’, or lacking in some way. So I sometimes struggle to feel worthy of attention from men and to believe I deserve better for myself and my kids.”

HEALING BEFORE STARTING A NEW RELATIONSHIP

“Even with all the baggage and fears, women deserve to feel love again,” Pong said. “The first and most important step is to heal.”

She explained that healing requires “inner work”, or the process of better understanding oneself. For divorced women, this means confronting their past and rebuilding the trust, self-confidence, and self-awareness they need to open themselves to love again.

Anisa added: “Healing looks different for everyone, but one of the biggest mistakes that many divorcees make is avoiding self-reflection. If you don’t understand the reasons behind your mistakes and patterns, you risk repeating them. Self-awareness is what helps you know who is truly compatible with you and who isn’t.”

She explained that when a woman avoids reflecting on her past relationship and traumas, it can show up in several ways: Moving on without processing the issues that led to her divorce, holding on to resentment against her ex-spouse or men in general, or rushing into the next relationship as soon as interest appears, without understanding what she truly needs.

“Building self-awareness includes acknowledging your part in how a marriage ended, no matter how difficult that process is,” Anisa added. 

“We don’t often want to hear that we were wrong,” she said. “But even if your ex showed all the red flags, the truth is you were still drawn to him – and that attraction points to something within you that needs to be addressed. Unless you unpack that, the cycle repeats.”

Stewart, who is starting therapy soon and is working with a relationship coach to process her past and build self-awareness, understands this. She is hopeful that she will find love again, but first wants to give herself “the space and time needed to heal fully”.

Healing also means building what Anisa calls “emotional safety”. These are signals to the body and mind that it is safe to be vulnerable and open with someone new. It means sitting with the grief that followed after the end of your marriage and slowly unlearning the habits that no longer serve you.

“We like to think that love should be easy, that we just open the door and the man of our dreams is waiting,” Anisa said. “But that’s not reality. Finding the right person takes work: Understanding our past, our baggage, even our childhood wounds.

“The more purposeful we are about our healing, the easier we can find the love we seek.”

DIVORCE CAN OFFER A SECOND CHANCE

Despite their divorces, the three women CNA Women spoke to believe in the possibility of love again.

“My marriage was a painful chapter, and when it ended, I thought, that’s it for me,” Stewart said. “But now I refuse to see divorce as the end – it’s just one part of my journey and even the start of something better. Now, I’m learning to forgive myself and get a better idea of what I need in a relationship.”

Zahra added: “I’m still going through my healing journey, but I know that my kids inspire me to find love that’s good for all of us – I don’t want my divorce to be the reason they’re deprived of a good father figure.”

Anisa pointed out a positive shift in the way divorced women approach love. Most have become more open to healing and learning self-love when finding someone new.

“When I first started my services over 20 years ago, divorce was a topic people didn’t want to talk about. There was stigma, and most divorcees felt unhappy, sorry for themselves, and unwanted,” she said. “Lately, more are accepting that divorce can mean the freedom to choose differently.”

Lim from Lunch Actually added: “Divorcees should also understand that they’re not alone – everyone has their own problems – it could be divorce, career setbacks, addiction, or family struggles.

“What matters is not whether you have baggage, but how you carry it, and how you move on from, or with, it.”

She also pointed out a change in men: “Based on our platform’s recent dating surveys, more single men are open to dating women with children, and many even admire the strength it takes to be both a mother and a partner.”

For women like Siang, these changes signal hope. She has gone on different dates, and each encounter has taught her something new about herself.

“I don’t want to give up on love,” Siang said. “I’ve met a lot of good men – I’m sure I’ll meet the one for me one day. I’m still open. I still want to find love.”