Superficial swiping, dead-end texting: Why some young women are looking for love beyond dating apps

For many Singapore women, their 20s mark the beginning of their dating journey and search for love. Dating apps are often a first stop, where swiping through an endless stream of profiles becomes a daily activity.

Some find success, but others find the process tiring and frustrating – mismatched intentions, undefined relationships and dead-end texting abound. Love can start to feel elusive – they crave more intentional, genuine ways to connect. 

Enter these unexpected avenues to find love: blind-date platforms, dating coaches, singles mixers, and anonymous matchmaking apps.

BACK TO BASICS: BLIND DATES

Financial advisor Jade Koh was ready to resume dating after breaking up with her boyfriend of four years.

At first, the 30-year-old turned to dating apps, but an advertisement on Instagram for Kopi Date, which curates blind dates for people looking for long-term relationships, caught her eye.

Singles sign up online and once enrolled, they hop onto an “onboarding” call so the team can get to know them better – their personality, relationship background, values – to align expectations for potential matches. 

After a few days, singles are notified of their arranged blind date via the Kopi Date app and simply show up on the scheduled day.

The day after, the team follows up with an optional “bar chat” to gather feedback, regardless of whether participants wish to continue seeing their match. The session also guides post-date reflection and allows singles to share experiences from past dates.

Memberships are available in three-, six- and 12-credit packages, with the latter tier offering additional perks such as surprise activity-based dates, priority matching, personalised dating advice and no expiry on date credits. 

Each Kopi Date credit starts from S$70 and includes one Kopi Date Experience, which covers matching and concierge services, a reservation at a partner cafe, a complimentary beverage, and an experience kit consisting of conversation prompts that vary with date location. 

Within the credit, for those who wish to continue with their match, Kopi Date will curate a second date, which includes thematic, deeper conversation prompts and a second-date handbook with practical dating tips.

Describing the service as a “sweet spot between dating apps and matchmaking agencies”, Kopi Date co-founder Lee Jing Lin told CNA Women that its users are mostly working adults, with women in their 20s making up about 40 per cent of its female clientele and a balanced gender split.

On average, the team sees at least one couple form a relationship through Kopi Date each week, she added.

Koh said the service eliminates the need for the usual back-and-forth texting on dating apps, with matches arranged upfront so one only has to show up for the date.

She added that it assured her that her match was also aligned with her intention of wanting a long-term committed relationship. 

However, the one curated date she went on last year didn’t go as well as she’d hoped. “He gave me the vibe that it was just networking,” Koh said. “There were definitely some personal questions, but we kept talking about jobs.

“At the end (of the date), he just shook my hand. So I was quite confused,” she laughed.

Although they exchanged numbers and she tried calling him once, he did not contact her after. 

But Koh said that encounter taught her about her behavioural patterns on dates. “I realised I was performing during the date – I was trying to be a good date. I was trying to show how successful I was in my work and how confident I was,” she admitted.

“But it might not have been enough, because you need to use your feminine charm, which I didn’t get to use – that’s what tells the person you are interested in them romantically.”

GETTING REAL ADVICE: DATING COACHES

Besides Kopi Date, Koh also read psychology articles about relationships, which led her to discover American dating coach Evan Marc Katz’s blog and podcast titled The Love U podcast. 

She said he reframed how she approached relationships, and taught her to prioritise intentions and emotional connection over physical attraction. 

She learnt that dating should feel easy rather than emotionally turbulent, and that clear social cues on dates, such as who foots the bill, often signal genuine interest.

“He also talked about how you have to take this proactive approach to dating. And that's also why I took up Kopi Date,” she said.

Women like Koh are similarly starting to seek help from professionals for a more intentional dating experience.  

Seasoned dating coach and founder of matchmaking agency Date High Flyers, Anisa Hassan, said she has seen an uptick in enquiries from women in their late 20s to early 30s seeking personalised advice and authenticated matchmaking. 

Her clients are largely high-level professionals, including C-suite executives, and high-net-worth individuals seeking a life partner on a similar footing.

She noted that younger women make up five to 10 per cent of her clientele, and are often quickly sought after by men in their mid-30s to 40s.  

During her coaching sessions, Anisa works closely with them to unpack their personal histories – from family history and childhood to unmet needs in past relationships – to make more intentional matches.

Many younger clients find her through referrals from friends who have had positive experiences from her matches, drawn to the access and white-glove, one-on-one service she provides.

Her matchmaking service, she added, offers an added layer of assurance. “Through us, there’s verification – proof of employment, proof that someone is in business – and that level of authentication is something many professionals and high-net-worth individuals value,” she said.

Anisa emphasised however, that her matchmaking service isn’t meant to compete with dating apps. In fact, many clients use both in tandem. “I always feel that if you want to transform your dating life, you need to play it full out,” she said.

READY TO MINGLE: SOCIAL MIXERS 

It was only a year ago that Janice Zhang, a 22-year-old student, felt ready to start dating after finally moving on from a crush she had had since secondary school.

Like Koh, Zhang also started with dating apps, but quickly found the platform crowded and the drawn-out messaging, unenjoyable. She was more eager to meet matches in real life.

Coincidentally, she was invited to a mixer hosted by her hairdresser, organised for her single clients. 

The hairdresser created a “cosy environment” in the salon with candles and flowers. According to Zhang, about eight people attended, mostly aged 25 to 30, making her the youngest. It was the first time her stylist had hosted such a gathering.

Guests mingled through a series of activities, including sharing secrets, guessing code words written on each other’s backs, and a speed dating round where they had 10 minutes to chat with each person.

At the end, participants wrote the name of the person they felt most connected with. Her hairdresser also shared the phone numbers of participants in case anyone wanted to connect.  

“It was little things like that that made me think ‘wow this is cool, let me go for another (mixer)’,” she said.

Zhang then went to a mixer by We Are The Socials, which hosts social gatherings for friendships and dating, from singles nights to themed parties.

We Are The Socials co-founder Rano Kaur Randhawa said that women who attend their events are usually in their early 20s to 30s, while the men are usually in their 40s.

Beyond mingling, there are unique activities that get singles chatting, such as tarot matching, where participants pick a tarot card, then look for the person who has the same card, and share with each other why they chose the card.

Other activities include speed dating, question jars, and games like ‘Never have I ever’ and ‘Would you rather’.

Other mixer organisers are also experimenting with creative formats to help singles connect in fun, interactive ways. For example, Never Strangers uses a questionnaire-based matchmaking system at their social mixers, and at Fishbowl events, singles (or their friends) pitch themselves as potential partners to fellow attendees using playful PowerPoint presentations. 

Zhang said that, compared with her hairdresser’s mixer, the We Are The Socials event felt more formal. Without the shared connection of having the same hairdresser, and faced with a larger crowd, she found it more nerve-wracking.

“(With the speed dating), you might have a lot of similarities with someone, but it’s very hard to find out in a few minutes,” Zhang said. “Because it’s a bigger event, you have less time with these people.”

Even so, she managed to make a few meaningful connections, including one that led to a date.

“When you get to meet them in real life, there’s no visual screen to hide behind. So it might be a bit awkward at times, but you can see them on a more authentic level.”

STAYING ANONYMOUS: MATCHMAKING APP

Kathy (not her real name), a 24-year-old university graduate, has never been in a relationship, nor has she ever used a dating app.

It wasn’t until she tested Amble – an anonymous matchmaking app and Telegram bot – for its co-founder Cayden Gwee that she unexpectedly met someone. After six weeks of chatting, he became her boyfriend.

According to Amble co-founder Alyssa Chua, users first fill out a series of long-form questions about their personality, interests and values. From there, Amble uses artificial intelligence to match users based on commonalities. Users can also indicate their intentions for forming connections on the platform, be it friendships, relationships or both.

Matched users are placed in a three-day chat, where question prompts pop up to navigate conversations. These range from one’s dreams to childhood experiences and family. 

But users don’t know who exactly they’re talking to and what they look like. 

If they enjoy the conversations, they have the option to convert the chat into a “timeless match” and continue chatting as long as they like. They can also move to external messaging platforms like Telegram. 

Beyond matchmaking, the app includes a daily thought segment, where users answer thought-provoking questions and browse others’ responses, then start a three-day chat with someone whose response resonates with them. 

“We decided we didn't want to be an appearance-first app. We wanted to be either an emotional- or intellectual attraction-first type of app,” Chua told CNA Women.  

“We want to create a space where it feels okay to want to get to know someone as a person first, and then decide where they fit into their life and develop that connection.”

The platform currently has over 6,000 users, with women making up two in five of them; more than half of those being in their 20s. 

Describing herself as a “private person” who “enjoys deep conversations”, Amble was right up Kathy’s alley.

“The conversation prompts worked in my favour and really brought out the best in me because I got to engage in conversations about my travels and career progression,” Kathy told CNA Women, adding that swiping based on looks on a dating app seemed “very superficial” to her. 

Kathy said she was candid with her boyfriend that she was testing the app for her friend. “So it was very friendly, and it set the tone for our conversations – it wasn’t very pushy or cringey.”

But after chatting for a while, they realised they shared similar outlooks, perspectives and values.

The pair then moved their conversations to Telegram, but would still return to Amble for conversation prompts. They have now been together for over five months. It is also her boyfriend’s first relationship.

“I’m quite conservative,” Kathy said, adding that that was a reason she steered clear of dating apps. “But after I tried my friend’s app, I realised that the app was actually built for (people like) me.

“To come out of it with this story I now get to share – I think that’s pretty cool.”