What happens when she earns more than him? High-earning women get real about dating, money and relationships

There is no point skirting around the issue: Money plays a significant role in the foundation of a healthy relationship.

It is not about how much money you have. Money, or rather the process of earning it, brings other pertinent relationship topics into the spotlight – topics such as trust, communication, shared values and maturity.

“I have never been in a relationship where the man was more financially successful than I,” said Jo-anne Peng, a 46-year-old business development manager who earns a monthly salary of S$18,000.

“In each new relationship, I convinced myself that as long as I am financially comfortable and that the guy isn’t expecting me to give him money, it’s all good.”

Peng has never asked her partners how much they were earning, but she guesses it was 30 to 50 per cent less than her.

She told CNA Women that although this mentality meant she was never dependent on her partners, it also created a situation where she found it difficult to “be a woman”.

“Over time, I forgot how to bring my feminine self into the relationship. The practical matters took over, and I neglected my emotional needs. And always, the love would die,” said Peng.

Is Peng being dramatic? According to Aloysius Tay, principal psychologist at The Psychology Clinic, she is not.

“Jo-anne’s feelings are completely legitimate. She is expressing how others in similar circumstances would feel but stay silent about. When one partner carries most of the financial load, it can lead to emotional burnout because they are expected to take care of the home and meet the other person’s emotional needs.”

While men also feel this strain, Tay said women often feel additional pressure because of expectations that they have, to be both strong providers and nurturing partners.

“They are stuck in a ‘be everything’ mode and this makes it hard for them to relax, feel supported, or even connected to their emotional selves,” he said.

FINDING THE RIGHT BALANCE IS KEY

But financial equality can present itself in another form.

For Jessica Lim, a 41-year-old communications manager who has been with her partner for almost 23 years, financial success is not the same thing as financial values.

She said: “The more important thing is we need to have the same financial values. For example, we should have the same attitude towards spending and saving.”

Lim believes both her husband and her are financially compatible despite the difference in the sizes of their pay cheques. The balance, she said, comes from the level of job security they face in their respective fields.

She said: “In my situation, layoffs are not uncommon in my industry. I’ve been made redundant twice but my husband’s job is pretty secure and pays a decent bonus. So even though I earn more, I know I can lean on him for financial support when times are uncertain.”

Amy Ang, a 35-year-old working in finance, holds the same belief that a man can make up for his lack of earning power in other ways. “Emotional safety is what I look for at this stage in my life,” she said.

Ang, who is single and earns about S$13,000 a month, feels that men who are financially successful may not be ready to commit so easily to one woman. “I’m fine with dating a man who earns less but not to the extent that I have to change my lifestyle. What I look for is a man who has a plan for his finances and lives within his means.”

Tay, the psychologist, added: “The success of a relationship depends on more than income dynamics. It is about mutual respect, emotional intelligence, and shared values. What matters most is the willingness to share responsibility and power, and show each other appreciation for what they bring to the table.”

"I DON’T NEED A MAN’S MONEY BUT I NEED A MAN WITH MONEY"

In recent times, social media has presented content talking about “feminine energy” and how women need to be in their “feminine selves” to thrive in a relationship.

“Indeed, this observation has psychological support but it’s more about people feeling emotionally fulfilled when they aren’t weighed down by outside pressures, like financial strain,” Tay said.

Peng, who is recently divorced, is adamant that for her next relationship, she wants a partner who is equally or more financially successful. “I don’t need a man’s money but I need a man with money.”

She explained that money is the result of a person working hard to build their career and ultimately, their legacy. “I want someone who knows what it is like to worry about security, to acknowledge my worries about the future. When I’m tired, I also hope that my partner would be there to support me.”

For Peng, money is not just a symbol of security, power, identity, and the ego – it is also about a person’s mindset and how her partner can show up effectively in their relationship. It may look like she is fixated on “who is earning more” but in reality, she is looking for a person who can support her goals and wellbeing.

ARE HIGH-EARNING WOMEN PERCEIVED AS "TOO MUCH"?

In Singapore, hypergamy (marrying up) is still very much a social expectation. However, rather than seeing high-earning women as “picky”, we should understand that they are likely being “self-protective”.

“Some women may internalise the notion that their success restricts their ‘romantic eligibility’ and when they are with a man who is less successful, the man’s insecurity will negatively impact the relationship,” said Tay.

The reality may not be as harsh as these women think. Hayley Quinn, a dating coach whose TedX talk Searching for Love to Escape Ourselves attracted over 3 million viewers, writes on her website that it’s not that men don’t like successful women, but they just don’t have it high on their priority list.

And, believing that men are intimidated by a woman’s success disempowers women in the dating field.

She writes that while many men may not have much money in the bank, they also don’t discriminate against successful women. “The right relationship gives you the support and stability you need to reach your goals,” she said.

It doesn’t matter if you perceive money to be the dealmaker/breaker. What matters at the end of the day is going into every relationship with authenticity and that your partner shares, not breaks, your vision of life.

“Success is not the punishment. How men, women and society react to it, that’s the punishment,” said Tay.