The danger of perfectionism in girls: How parents can ease their daughters away from the need to be perfect

You’ve heard it many times, either in an interview or when someone does a review of their project or task, that line: “I’m a perfectionist.” It’s often a description of one’s nitpicking at their work – whether it needs to be “better” or when someone is procrastinating because they are afraid of failure.

This is true in many aspects – perfectionism is the cause.

The American Psychological Association defines perfectionism as the tendency to demand an extremely high or flawless level of performance from oneself or of others. This is in excess of what is required by the situation. The result is a focus on accomplishments and striving to be good or better all the time.

One study on perfectionism observed that it is a personality trait encompassing excessively high personal standards and harsh self-criticism.

Perfectionism is more rampant in teenage girls than boys. This subsequently has a knock-on effect when girls become women, allowing their need for perfection to affect their tasks, inhibit their creativity, overall performance and ultimately, affect their health and well-being.

This prompted Danish toymaker Lego to do a global study, which found that girls as young as five were exhibiting traits of perfectionism and allowing their pursuit of perfection to hamper their creativity.

THE PROBLEM WITH PERFECTIONISM

While having a spirit of excellence is a good motivator to overcome adversity or develop resilience to tackle challenges, on the flipside, perfectionism becomes an endless chase for the unattainable and even, the unachievable.

The National Institutes of Health in the United States said chasing perfection can increase the risk of health issues such as eating disorders, anxiety and pathological worry, and in some severe cases, even premature death.

Signs of perfectionism include:

• Self-criticism
• Holding oneself to a different standard
• Basing self-worth only on achievements and performance
• Constant comparison with others
• Excessive checking, overthinking and causing delays in completing tasks or projects
• Perpetual procrastination
• Finding it hard to relax or “let go”
• Persistent thoughts of “not good enough”
• All or nothing mindset

An interesting point about perfectionism is that its counterpart is procrastination.

Why is this so? Experts say that perfectionism is both seeking excellence and avoiding failure.

So when one is seeking excellence, one goes to great lengths to achieve results. When someone procrastinates, it could be due to the fear of failure (of attaining perfection) and thus avoids doing the task for as long as possible.

Australian author, researcher and well-being coach Megan Dalla-Camina said in an article in Psychology Today: “For many people, this combination of perfectionism and procrastination can lead to roadblocks that deter success and progress.”

She added that the build-up of stress caused by either of these behaviours can lead to burnout.

Dr Sng Khai Imm, clinical psychologist and director of Hope for Tomorrow Psychology Centre, concurred: “When girls seek perfection, they can become overly focused on achieving this ‘perfect’ standard. Their focus becomes very narrow.

“They also avoid mistakes and are less interested in novel ideas that have less certainty for perfection and instead, put them at risk of failure. As a result, things like creativity, experimentation and fun are lost.”

GIRLS ARE TOO HARD ON THEMSELVES

The search for perfection leads girls to be hard on themselves and to push themselves to achieve the ‘perfect’ standard, said psychologist Dr Sng.  

“This can create a lot of stress and pressure on themselves,” she added. “At times, they may ‘play safe’ and avoid activities that they think they cannot be ‘perfect’ in, thus limiting what they do.

“For instance, they may give up on an activity or a hobby when they experience difficulties or setbacks. Rather than accepting that this is part of the process and being resilient to improve.”

Gender aside, culture also plays a part – Asians tend to have a higher level of perceived perfectionistic expectations from their families compared with their Western counterparts, said Dan Ng, a trainer counsellor with over 10 years of experience working with children adolescents and adults.

He added: “In contrast to Western cultures, the consequences of shame (from failure) for Asian individuals can often be interpersonal in nature and even considered a cultural norm.”

Girls may also become more obsessed with perfection than boys as they grow older. A 2021 study about perfectionism in adolescence found that this trait can go well into adolescence in girls aged 16 to 19.

The study also observed that girls were affected more by socially prescribed perfectionism – pressure from family, friends and their social circle versus self-oriented perfectionism which stems from one’s inner pressure.

TIPS TO BREAK THE CYCLE OF PERFECTION

Dr Sng said such gender stereotypes mean that girls are expected to present certain behaviours, making them appear “perfect” – such as being conscientious, neat and hardworking.

The Lego study discovered that society is seven times more likely to associate words like pretty, beautiful, sweet and cute with girls, while boys get words like brave, genius, cool and innovative.

The girls told researchers that words like imaginative, brave and inspiring were viewed as more uplifting.

In addition, 80 per cent of the girls said they would be less afraid to try new things if mistakes were praised more as learning opportunities. Nine in 10 believe their confidence would be boosted if adults focused more on the creative process instead of final output. 

Counsellor Ng said that changing the focus from the outcome to enjoying the process is key.

Parents should also look at competency versus perfection. They can start with understanding their children’s stress triggers better, avoiding over-scheduling and giving them adequate time to rest and disconnect.

Dr Sng reiterates that language is key. “What we say to the child is important. If people around her speak kindly and emphasise the right things, this will help her internalise these messages.”

Affirmative words of encouragement convey the message that the child is loved unconditionally and does not need to be “perfect”.

Other ways one can help girls manage perfectionism include:

• Reminding them to set realistic goals by breaking large goals into smaller, more manageable steps
• Practicing self-compassion when things don’t go their way
• Focusing on a growth mindset and look to the process, not just the destination
• Embracing imperfect action where being consistent is more important than having a great outcome
• Seeking support when they face high anxiety
• Prioritising self-care if the stress overspills and causes health or well-being concerns

Ultimately, letting go of the perfectionism mindset is helpful to young children as it allows them to be creative and free from societal expectations and norms.

Dr Sng leaves this one piece of advice: No one is ever perfect and no one needs to be perfect. We can be who we are and we must accept ourselves as we are.