Sexism at home: What happens when a woman experiences this with her parents? What should she do?

A colleague once shared an experience where, upon arriving at a relative’s house, she was directed to go straight to the kitchen and join the other women in the family – because she is female and should help there. 

A single girlfriend of mine told me that her aunt has been lobbying her to wear more makeup to attract a partner.

Another friend of mine told me that in her household, the word “period” is rarely uttered without “euphemisms”, sanitary pads are kept out of sight in public, and the women in the house hand-wash their underpants, while the men simply throw theirs into the washer.

These are just some examples of how sexist beliefs may be ingrained – and normalised – at home.

“Most of the time, this happens unconsciously because of the Asian or traditional culture and experiences we grew up with,” said Thivya Lakshmi, clinical psychologist at The Center for Psychology.

However, women experiencing it can find it difficult to discuss sexism in the family context. “It takes courage to bring up these topics with elderly family members because it might be perceived as challenging their beliefs, or be labelled as defiant or rebellious,” said Abigail Yang, psychotherapist and counsellor at Talk Your Heart Out.

What’s more, the impact of sexism in the home can be lasting, affecting not just individuals who experience it, but be passed down to subsequent generations as well.

BENEVOLENT SEXISM AT HOME

Gender roles can be very subtle. Sometimes, it is not just about who does more chores, but the type of chores girls are assigned – domestic duties such as cooking and cleaning – while the boys may be asked to do outdoor stuff such as running errands or car washing.

Sometimes, it also boils down to messaging, said Lakshmi.

“Women may be taught from a young age how to engage in household chores for the purpose of helping the family, while men may be taught to engage in household chores to prepare them for National Service.

“In many Asian cultures, women are told that they need to learn this because they will be moving to another family when they get married and there is an expectation that women should know how to cook and clean,” she said.

Girls and boys are also held to different standards in some households. Girls may be expected to behave demurely, while boys are excused for being rough and rowdy, she added.

“Another example is complimenting girls on their looks, which reinforces the idea that their value lies in appearance rather than their intellect or potential,” said Sophia Goh, principal counsellor at Sofia Wellness Clinic.

“On the other hand, young women may also receive unsolicited comments on their appearance, weight or eating habits, which can be hurtful and contribute to body image issues. Often, young women are expected to accept the comments with grace out of respect to the elders,” she added.

THE IMPACT OF SEXIST MESSAGING

Over time, many women internalise the gendered roles and beliefs that they grew up with, said Goh. “This causes them to experience reduced self-esteem and difficulties asserting themselves. It may limit their career aspirations and their overall sense of empowerment.”

There is research to support this. For instance, one study by the University of Chicago found that Caucasian women born in parts of the United States with prevalent sexist attitudes were found to earn less and work less than women born elsewhere. This impact on their income continues even if they move to less sexist areas of the country as adults.

When such values are internalised, it “creates a ‘double shift’ where young women are expected to excel professionally while managing domestic duties”, Goh said.

“There is constant pressure to fulfil both roles flawlessly and constant internal conflict,” she added.

Lakshmi, the clinical psychologist from The Center for Psychology, added: “Many a time, women come into therapy feeling unseen and unheard despite giving their all in both their career and at home. They feel like they are doing their best but are not given the same recognition that men receive, especially at home.

“Women also tend to start developing higher standards for themselves despite all the effort they are already putting in. This leads them to being more pre-disposed to anxiety and depression,” Lakshmi added.

When counselling couples, psychotherapist Yang said she often uncovers deeper issues related to the couple’s expectations of each other, shaped by their respective gender biases and the lack of communication about their role expectations in the relationship, she said.

Sexism is a double-edged sword that can be as limiting to men as well. “Societal expectations of masculinity can restrict men from expressing emotions openly or engaging in nurturing behaviours, especially when they transition to becoming husbands and fathers,” Goh, the counsellor, explained.

HOW TO START A CONVERSATION ABOUT SEXISM AT HOME

To begin, it is important to bear in mind that our parents and relatives usually do not mean any harm.

“They may not even realise that they are perpetuating outdated gender norms as these are the expectations and stereotypes that they may have experienced themselves while growing up,” said Goh. “Hence, it would be helpful to centre conversations with family members with the intention of educating them, rather than making highly charged, emotional accusations.”

One good approach is to start by listening. Yang suggests that both daughters and sons allow their parents to share their expectations of the role of a daughter or son.

Make an effort to understand the elder relative’s perception, reflect your observations of their perceptions to them, and share how you feel after hearing their views, she advised.

If something said or done makes you uncomfortable, choose calm moments to initiate a conversation – this will create a more receptive environment, said Goh.

She added: “For example, one may say to an elderly family member who has expressed the expectation of women having to stay at home to take care of the household: ‘I understand that this arrangement has worked well for you in the past, but it is increasingly challenging to raise a family on a single income in today’s times’.”  

“In responding to criticisms and unfair statements, using ‘I’ statements can be very effective. For example, one may say, ‘When you make comments about my weight, it makes me feel insecure about my body'," Goh suggested.

It also helps to set clear boundaries and to communicate your limits clearly. For example, one may say: “I am happy to help with dinner, but I won’t clean up after everyone,” she added.

Another indirect and non-confrontational way to discuss equitable gender roles is for young women to share stories about women that they view as successful, as well as their own personal aspirations, Lakshmi suggested.

“This would encourage family members to see beyond what is expected from women at home and appreciate how women are showing their skills and capabilities outside of the home setting,” she explained.

Yang added that sexism is a very difficult topic for many young men and women, and suggested that they seek professional support for themselves first before initiating such conversations.

If not handled well, it may hurt their mental health, self-confidence and well-being. She also recommends family therapy or couple sessions to facilitate such conversations.

Lakshmi added that initiating these difficult conversations is nonetheless important. “It helps to spread the message. Even if [family members] do not agree with it, they now become aware of it.”

The goal of such conversation is not to start a fight or hurt our loved ones, but to expand our understanding of what both women and men are capable of.