Ways for women: 5 tips on how to say no to your in-laws to maintain boundaries and harmony

Do your in-laws push your buttons? Are they mindful of your privacy? Do they override your instructions to your children? Welcome to the world of the married in Singapore.

For some women, the relationship with their in-laws could be tangled and fraught. They may find it difficult to assert their opinion or draw boundaries with them, especially if you and your in-laws live in the same household or they take care of your children.  

Conflicts may arise when your in-laws and your own preferences for raising children are not aligned. Or when your in-laws don’t share similar habits and values with you, adding strain to the relationship.   

Here are some ways for women to manage their in-laws, draw boundaries and say no with respect.

1. DECIDE WHAT YOUR BOUNDARIES ARE

This seems easy enough but it is not something that everyone can do on the fly. So first, thoroughly understand your own personal values – decide what is important to you and what your non-negotiables are.  

This includes areas such as use of language or specific words, instilling positive mindsets in the children, maintaining a healthy diet and an active lifestyle, or reducing prejudice.   

Once listed, discuss them with your spouse until you both agree. Then, speak to your in-laws – you may need a sit-down session with them, as well as be armed with examples of the boundaries.

For example, if your in-laws tend to use negative language with your children (“So stupid!”), you could suggest they say, “Let’s find a better way”, instead.

You can also ask them if they’re comfortable with sharing their boundaries with you and if you have encroached on those unknowingly.

Dan Ng, a registered counsellor with Singapore Association for Counselling, said: “Ideally, it is good to set a boundary early in the relationship. Depending on the situation, it may be difficult to clearly draw or define a line. It boils down to cultural and value differences, and having a mutual understanding of each other’s values.”

There are no right answers. Boundaries are different for different people. For example, some in-laws expect to see their children (and grandchildren) every day, while others feel that once a month or fortnight is fair, to cater more time for other activities.

Don’t forget to share your boundaries with empathy, considering that your in-laws may not have had experience with the “younger generation” telling them no.

2. COMMUNICATE CLEARLY BUT WITH RESPECT

With in-laws, communication is a more nuanced approach, especially when you have to say no.

Experts say being direct and firm is the best way when approaching your in-laws. For example, your mother-in-law says it’s a must to attend the wedding of a distant relative whom you’ve never met.

Instead of: “Why do you always force us to attend these meaningless events?” You can say: “I find showing up for family important but I have other plans already. Do count us out.”

If your in-laws love to drop in unannounced to see their grandchildren, instead of: “Why do you always turn up without warning?”. Try: “I appreciate that you want to spend time with us. But I prefer if you give us advance notice so I can prepare. Can you give us a call before coming over?”

Actions speak louder than words. So the best way is to act the way you’d like to be treated. Show empathy, gratitude and respect for one another. Be mindful of their needs and wants too.

This may require a change in behaviour or disrupting your own patterns to initiate this “change”. For example, setting time limits on the weekend for extended family visits. When you feel the tension building, take deep breaths and redirect the conversation, or step out for a quick walk.

3. GET YOUR HUSBAND’S HELP AND SUPPORT  

The only way setting boundaries will work, is if they are reinforced by both you and your spouse. It’s important for both of you to be aligned on the boundaries that matter.

Remember: Your spouse may have similar feelings about your own parents, so do discuss ways to approach those as well.

A 2022 study in the Journal of Evolutionary Psychological Science found that in the United States, both men and women reported more conflict with their mothers-in-law than their own mothers.

The study also found that mothers reported more conflict with their daughters-in-law than their own daughters.

Parents often find it easier to listen to their own children so when you broach the subject, have your husband kick off the conversation about those troubling issues, discuss them and finally, set ground rules.

4. REINFORCE THE BOUNDARIES AND FIND MIDDLE GROUND

Boundaries, like new habits, take time to establish – you may need to repeat the words or action until it becomes second nature.

If you find yourself frustrated or guilty for saying no to your in-laws, don’t be. Establishing boundaries leads to healthy mindsets and overall well-being.

Your mother-in-law may not settle easily into the new “normal” but consistency is essential. Continue to uphold your boundaries through actions or words. And if your in-laws forget, assert firmly that these boundaries are now non-negotiable.

Ng finds that more often than not, in our Asian culture, it is hard to change the elderly mindset, even with constant communication. He advised: “Take a step back, put on a different lens to view the situation and manage expectations – yours and your in-laws’ too.”

He added that it is beneficial to explore ways to compromise and keep communication open. “Even if it feels one-way and you encounter disappointment, be as open as possible.”

This communication runs true with your children as well. “Don’t forget that children learn from adults. So if there are any confrontations in their presence, do explain the rationale and use specific examples,” Ng said.

“When kids understand, it becomes helpful to let their actions support your boundary. In doing so, they reinforce the boundary.”

Your in-laws may wish to discuss options for certain issues, and this is helpful to the relationship in general. Finding middle ground is one healthy way of setting boundaries. Being open and offering compromises in your boundaries shows that you value your relationship with them and the harmony of your family unit.

5. SEE THE BIG PICTURE

All adults require time to adjust, including the elderly. It pays to have patience in seeing the big picture, which is the well-being of those in your family unit.

Some battles cannot be won, so don’t sweat the small stuff. Being assertive is important to communicate your boundaries, but you don’t need to win every argument. Consider if this will matter in five or even 10 years. If it doesn’t, let it go.

Learning to say no and setting healthy boundaries is not about keeping your in-laws out – it’s about letting others safely into your life. Steering your relationship with your in-laws can be confronting, especially in our Asian context.

Remember, the goal is to create a balanced environment where everyone’s needs are met and respected, allowing you to lead a more peaceful life with a supportive family dynamic.