Dealing with your partner’s midlife crisis: How wives can help husbands navigate this period

When you think about men going through a midlife crisis, cliches that come to mind include going to the gym more often or buying a sports car. But there’s more to this transitional time than meets the eye.  

Dr Annabelle Chow, founder of Annabelle Psychology, said a midlife crisis is a period of intense self-reflection, typically experienced in one’s late thirties through fifties.

The clinical psychologist added that this period is “accompanied by a fervent desire for change”. It is during this time that some men begin to question their identity, life choices and mortality.

He feels a deep sense of inadequacy about his past experiences and achievements, such as realisations about ageing, career dissatisfaction, unfulfilled personal goals and/or major life events like the death of a loved one, added Dr Chow.

The ‘intensity’ of a midlife crisis often mirrors the heaviness of regret or unfulfillment we feel from our earlier years, she said.

WHAT ARE THE SIGNS OF A MAN’S MIDLIFE CRISIS?

The signs can be physical, emotional and behavioural.

Physically, it can include weight fluctuations – losing weight or bulking up – a change in grooming habits or shifts in personal style. “Husbands may either neglect self-care and hygiene or become overly concerned about their physical appearance,” said Dr Chow.

Emotionally, there can be dramatic mood variants, including deep lows and sudden outbursts of anger often triggered by minor incidents.

Some of the emotions may seem similar to depression, such as a persistent sadness, lack of interest in previously enjoyed activities, sleep disturbances and/or social withdrawal from family and friends.

However, there’s a distinction between a midlife crisis and depression, said Dr Chow: “Depression occurs at any age, while midlife crisis typically occurs in this midlife stage, and may stem from or be associated with frequent expressions of nostalgia and excessive rumination on past experiences.”

Behavioural factors include making abrupt, impactful life decisions, like changing careers or wanting to relocate on an impulse, as well as changing financial habits, like impulsive spending or excessive frugality.

HOW TO HELP YOUR PARTNER DURING HIS MIDLIFE CRISIS

Given society’s expectations around masculinity and emotional strength, especially in Asian men, it can be difficult to get your husband to open up, said Dr Chow.

That is why patience is key – recognise that this phase is temporary, said Aarti Mundae, psychotherapist and clinic director of Incontact Counselling and Training.

So instead of being dismissive, here’s how to help him navigate this period:

1. KEEP THE LINES OF COMMUNICATION OPEN

The time and place to facilitate these conversations matters. Choose moments when both of you are relaxed and free from distractions, such as after the children have gone to bed or during a quiet weekend evening.

“A calm and private setting – at home or on a peaceful walk – can help make the conversation feel safe and inviting,” said Dr Chow.

When talking, practise active listening. Focus on understanding his feelings without judgement, said Mundae.

Be mindful not to dominate the discussion because the goal is to focus on his well-being and thoughts.

2. ASK BROAD, OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS

Rather than making assumptions, try asking him questions, such as ‘How are you feeling recently?’ or ‘What has been on your mind these days?’.

This approach encourages discussion without diving into sensitive topics too abruptly, helping him feel more relaxed as you explore the triggers for the changes he’s been going through.

Alternatively, you can share some recent stressors you’ve observed in him as well. “The goal is to mutually reflect while showing genuine interest in his experience, rather than just seeking a solution,” said Dr Chow.

3. ALLOW HIM TO EXPRESS HIMSELF

Avoid rushing, pushing for immediate solutions or criticising the changes you’re seeing in your partner. Instead, give him room to articulate the negative emotions or challenges he might be feeling.

This will give him a safe space to open up without feeling like he might be criticised or shamed, said Dr Chow.

4. NORMALISE HIS EMOTIONS

Many men experience a sense of loss or dissatisfaction during a midlife crisis, so let him know that it is normal to question life and want to make changes, said Mundae. This should help reduce his defensiveness and make him feel less alone in his struggles.

5. STRIVE TO BUILD A BALANCED PERSPECTIVE

In your conversations, remind your husband of the progress he’s made in life. Bring up specific examples of the rewards or recognition he has garnered from family members or colleagues, advised Dr Chow.

This would help him feel more grounded and less overwhelmed by current challenges or inadequacies.

6. TURN FRUSTRATION INTO MOTIVATION

If he is feeling frustrated or dissatisfied, ask him how he would like to move forward and offer your support in helping him achieve it. Dr Chow said this helps him regain a sense of direction without feeling pressured, which in turn reinforces your role as a supportive partner.

Avoid labelling his current state. “Refrain from using the term ‘midlife crisis’ as it can feel accusatory and may provoke his anger,” said Mundae.

IF YOU’RE ALSO GOING THROUGH YOUR OWN MIDLIFE CRISIS

Sometimes, a couple may go through midlife crisis simultaneously. While the internal mechanisms of reflection, questioning and repurposing are similar for both men and women, the outward expressions of these feelings differ.

Women often focus more on self-care, relationships or personal identity, while men might fixate on career changes or professional dissatisfaction, said Mundae.

While supporting your husband is vital, it’s equally important to recognise and understand your own emotions, said Dr Chow. Self-awareness offers clarity and patience, which in turn helps both you and your husband acknowledge that you might be going through a similar phase.

This also means learning to forgive each other’s shortcomings and repairing disagreements that may arise, said Mundae.

To shift the focus from negative thoughts to positive ones, consider setting constructive joint goals. For example, start a new hobby together or work on a shared project, like refreshing a space in the house.

Doing this strengthens the bond between husband and wife as you both find joy in new shared experiences, said Mundae.

Remember to celebrate both small wins and significant milestones together, from individual achievements to shared successes, said Dr Chow.

GETTING PROFESSIONAL HELP

There is no shame in asking for professional help, whether it is individual therapy or couples counselling.

Individual therapy would be a starting point to unpack and address the emotions and thoughts experienced, said Dr Chow. It is not uncommon for wives to be involved in their partner’s individual therapy journey, especially if they want to better understand how to support their husbands.

Couples counselling, on the other hand, can help if the changes experienced are affecting the relationship as it provides a safe space for both parties to express their needs and work towards solutions, said Mundae. “It can improve communication, align values and foster mutual growth.”

Mundae added that it is also beneficial to reframe “midlife crisis” into “midlife transition”, which shifts the focus towards personal growth and adaptation.

Ultimately, what makes something “bad” for us is if it does more harm than good in the long run. But if we choose to focus on the positive, like a re-evaluation of our personal values and priorities, re-invention of ourselves for the vision we have and a greater appreciation for what matters the most in our life – our loved ones – then a midlife crisis might not seem that “bad” after all, said Dr Chow.