Forget Secret Santa. This is Secret Satan – a playful twist to the obligatory office gift exchange

‘Tis the season of awkward office parties and obligatory gift exchanges a la Secret Santa. In the popular holiday tradition, each participant is randomly assigned to another to whom they present a gift anonymously. Each person's gift-giver is only revealed after everyone has received their gifts. 

Now this eventual reveal would be fine if you know your recipient well, and have gotten them a gift you know they'll love. Unfortunately, when played among colleagues, Secret Santa is often semi-stressful, unlike when the game is played among longtime friends.

But team bonding doesn’t have to be painful, as unusual as that sounds. You can have fun.

Enter Secret Satan: A subversive version of Secret Santa that my ex-colleagues and I once played to unexpected success. The ridiculous absurdity of the whole situation bonded us faster than any Christmas custom would. 

We weren’t fans of the unspoken pressure to impress with our gifting skills in Secret Santa, not least since the holiday season is meant to be relaxing. 

So we switched up the rules – and now you can too. 

HOW TO PLAY SECRET SATAN

Similar to Secret Santa, each participant is randomly assigned their gift recipient. The identity of givers is kept secret here too. But the rules for gifting are where it gets interesting. 

In the Secret Satan that I played, there were only a few criteria: First, gifts had to cost less than S$5, and second, they couldn’t be items considered “normal” under Secret Santa.

There also remain no-go zones, like no religiously- or racially-insensitive gifts, despite the nature of Secret Satan. Even if you know the recipient appreciates such dark humour, remember they wouldn’t initially know who their gift-giver is.

In short, gifts can be tongue-in-cheek but not tasteless.

5 IDEAS FOR SECRET SATAN GIFTS

If you’re stuck on ideas, here are five to get the ball rolling.

They won't get you a promotion, but you can expect to earn extra street cred. After all, a workplace would have to be pretty cool to agree to play Secret Satan in the first place.

1. A single sock

Yes, one side of a pair of socks. Unless your recipient happens to love wearing mismatched socks, in which case you would have found a fellow sociopath to match your freak, this gift is rather useless. In other words, mission accomplished. 

Alternatively, recreate this idea with any item that is only functional when used in a pair.

2. A used parking coupon

This was my gift to my unfortunate Secret Satan recipient years ago. To ensure the coupon was rendered completely unusable, I tore out a date and time on the coupon and threw away the stubs. 

You may wish to avoid giving this to much younger colleagues though, lest you evoke a different reaction entirely when they don't recognise a parking coupon. 

3. A calendar or diary from the current year

If your recipient receives the gift on Christmas Day, they still have six days of the year to make full use of it. So what you’ve really given them is almost a week’s worth of sustainability-friendly behaviour to feel good about themselves.

Surely that balances out the guilt from contributing to excessive holiday season waste.

4. A newspaper with parts of articles cut out

You know the feeling of reaching the crux of an online article, only to realise the rest of the article is behind a paywall? This gift is the real life version of that. 

To do this gift well, you can’t just cut out any random part of articles. You have to read the entire article to understand its key points – then gleefully snip the right paragraphs out. Your recipient wants to know the dish that's gotten plenty of rave reviews at a restaurant? Too bad, there’s now a literal hole where that detail used to be.

Admittedly you might be the only one laughing. But the upside is you’ll learn plenty about topics you may otherwise not have read while creating this gloriously frustrating masterpiece.

5. A name keychain, magnet or plaque – without the recipient’s name

Got assigned a recipient named Kenneth? Give him a keychain that says Brandon or Linda. Better yet, attach an accompanying card detailing all the reasons you’ve always thought Kenneth made a better Brandon or Linda. Time for the man to realise his true potential.

There you have it. Secret Satan won’t just inject some much needed fun into the obligatory office gift exchange, but even reveal which colleagues have a solid, albeit unhinged, sense of humour. 

Plus, you won’t have to wrack your brain to figure out how to regift a well-intended item you don’t quite like. Pass on these gifts at your own peril. (That is, unless you were regifting them for another Secret Satan gift exchange, which would perfectly align with the spirit of Secret Satan.)

And if this article resonates with your workplace better than any proposed HR activity, bookmark it for future reference. Consider it my gift that keeps on giving.